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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24964120">Second Chances</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheHeartOfStories/pseuds/TheHeartOfStories'>TheHeartOfStories</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bassist Eren, California, Doctor Hange Zoë, Drug Abuse, Drug Addiction, Drummer Jean, Eruri Week, F/M, Fight Clubs, Gay Romance, Guitarist Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Musicians, Overdose, Past Lives, Punk Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Recovery, Rehabilitation, Reincarnation, Singer Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), So Cal, Teacher Erwin Smith, age gap, drug dealers, heroin abuse, psychiatric ward</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 01:48:10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>24,160</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24964120</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheHeartOfStories/pseuds/TheHeartOfStories</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Could this ghost of a man -- red and purple track mark scars screaming against the pale cream of his skin -- really be Levi?</p><p>Here's a link to the Spotify playlist for this story: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/54qFm5cbKQymBjUGb6LDbV?si=0yQ0MvZ_TKmqT0QOtaU6gQ</p><p>Feel free to talk to me on Tumblr: https://www.tumblr.com/blog/theheartofstories</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Jean Kirstein &amp; Eren Yeager, Levi/Erwin Smith, Mikasa Ackerman/Eren Yeager</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>57</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>96</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Whore's Got Moves</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hey, feel free to reach out to me on Tumblr! My username is TheHeartOfStories</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <h3>
  <b> <em>A Slow Death</em> </b>
</h3>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> As I hold the spoon to the flame, </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> I've got no one but myself to blame. </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> As I stick the needle in my skin, </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> I don't feel like I can ever win. </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> There's a moment of elation, </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> That follows the penetration. </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> But it's gone again too soon, </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> So I try to find my spoon. </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> And I'll do it all again, </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> Until I reach the very end. </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b> <em>-- Author Unknown</em> </b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Still can’t believe you haven’t found a new plug yet,” Jean muttered, thumping his cheek against the foggy window. </p>
<p>Eren flashed him a scowl, fingertips skimming the bottom of his steering wheel. </p>
<p>“The fuck’s that s’posed to mean?” </p>
<p>Jean rolled his eyes, not saying anything. Eren flicked a glance at him and pressed the window button down. Jean yelped as the cold glass pulled his cheek, and he kicked the scuffed dashboard with his holey Converse. </p>
<p>“Don’t kick my fucking car,” Eren snarled. </p>
<p>Jean pressed his window button up.</p>
<p>“Don’t re-up from a fucking pimp!” </p>
<p>Eren grabbed for his phone where it rested on a stained napkin tucked inside the sticky cup holder. His thumb tapped away on the glowing screen, but he was careful to keep it low in case there were cops around as they drove down deserted Carlsbad Boulevard. Then he dropped it in his lap and turned the stereo knob up. </p>
<p>“<em> I was walking down the street when out the corner of my eye/ I saw a pretty little thing approaching me </em>. . .”</p>
<p>Jean groaned when he recognized the song:“Ain’t No Rest For The Wicked” by Cage the Elephant. He sank lower into his passenger seat, picking at the melted cigarette burn on the rickety arm rest.</p>
<p>
  <em> “She said, ‘I never seen a man, who looks so all alone/ And could you use a little company?/ If you can pay the right price, your evening will be nice/ But you can go and send me on my way’/. . .” </em>
</p>
<p>Eren gave him a pointed look.</p>
<p>“What,” Jean barked. </p>
<p>
  <em> “I said, ‘You're such a sweet young thing, why you do this to yourself?’/ She looked at me and this is what she said/. . .” </em>
</p>
<p>“God, you’re so fucking dense,” Eren hissed. “Just listen to the fucking lyrics.” </p>
<p>
  <em> “Oh there ain't no rest for the wicked/ Money don't grow on trees/ I got bills to pay, I got mouths to feed/ There ain't nothing in this world for free. . .” </em>
</p>
<p>Eren air-drummed his finger to the beat, pointing to the radio as he turned down Cannon Road. The towering palms swayed gently with the salty breeze on either side of the street, pink blooms of dry eucalyptus scattered about the hot asphalt. Eren eyed the ritzy stucco houses with their orange tile roofs, a spike of jealousy knotting within the pit of his hungry stomach. </p>
<p>
  <em> “Oh no, I can't slow down, I can't hold back/ Though you know, I wish I could/ Oh no there ain't no rest for the wicked/ Until we close our eyes for good. . .” </em>
</p>
<p>“There’s no excuse for whoring people out.” </p>
<p>Jean crossed his arms over his huffing chest as Eren pulled into Carlsbad Suites parking lot. Eren killed the engine. They unbuckled in silence and quietly shut the rusty car doors, the worn soles of their shoes slapping against the uneven pavement as they made their way back down Cannon Road to Carlsbad Boulevard. </p>
<p>Eren stuffed his balled fists into his hoodie pockets, walking a bit faster than Jean’s lazy strides. </p>
<p>“I know,” Eren murmured back to him over his shoulder. </p>
<p>The green of his eyes fell for a moment. </p>
<p>“I don’t like it either, but it’s really none of my business. Besides, you know I’m looking for a new plug anyways.” </p>
<p>A frustrated shot of air whistled from Jean’s nose as they cut through Cannon Park, their feet crunching on the dead summer grass. They wove through the shadows cast by the magnolia trees under the orange lamplight until they reached a rusted fence at the end of the dry field. </p>
<p>Eren climbed to the top and hopped down, turning to cast Jean a look. </p>
<p>“Oh, <em> fuck me </em>,” Jean grumbled, climbing the creaking fence. “Why did I even agree to come with you?” </p>
<p>He jumped down from the top of the fence as well and wiped the rust stains covering his sweaty palms on his ripped jeans. </p>
<p>Eren grinned, shrugging his shoulders before hurrying through the empty parking lot of the closed power plant they just trespassed onto. </p>
<p>Encina Power Station was the retired coal and natural gas shit stain against the backdrop of Buccaneer Beach. Even the red lights of its smokeless smoke tower had ceased their incessant blinking after 2018, and, for Eren and Jean, who had grown up in the god-forsaken trailer parks of Carlsbad, it felt like the end of an era for them; the shut down of such a major landmark seemed to signal that the book of their carefree childhood -- filled with fizzy sprites sipped on hot beach sand, orange eggs tucked away on the underbellies of gray sand crabs, fresh wax on dented surf boards -- had finally come to a bittersweet close. </p>
<p>So it was really weird when Eren went to a side door of the power plant and rapped his knuckles in some pattern against the chipping metal paint of their childhood. </p>
<p>Whooshing the door open with a swing, red-rimmed eyes peered out from a crack of darkness inside the building. Gnarled fingers clutched at the door’s dented edge. Jean gulped as Eren took a step forward. </p>
<p>“Who’re you,” the man croaked. </p>
<p>“Doesn’t matter. We’re here for the fights.” </p>
<p>Eren brought himself to his full height, his long chocolate hair framing the hollows of his olive cheeks. The man snickered and opened the door all of the way, his track-marked arm invitingly extended for them. Eren walked in, and Jean followed closely behind him, his heart racing in his chest when he glanced over his shoulder at the leering man behind them. He saw a flash of rotten teeth as the man closed the door, plunging the thin hallway into blackness. </p>
<p>The hallway jerked about with sharp turns, and the closer they came to the basement of the building, the harder the boom of heavy bass music reverberated deep within their ears. Another left, and the darkness was illuminated by wisps of dusty light filtering beneath the cracks of a door. Eren opened it. </p>
<p>The music alone was an assault on their brains. They made their way through a sparse crowd of jeering bodies to the edge of the open basement, fumbling hands shielding their eyes from the glare of white overhead light. </p>
<p>The basement perimeter was lined with all sorts of gruff-looking men, the ember tips of cigarettes glowing like lightning bugs. The cement walls reeked of stale booze, and the heckling and sneering of the betting men echoed back down to them. Jean noticed a massive chalk circle that had been sketched onto the ground, spatters of blood and vomit leading a trail to the bare feet of the man at the center of the circle. Blown out tattoos slinked up his muscular legs. He bounced on the balls of his feets as a man dressed in all white held his arm up for everyone to see. The crowd violently shouted. Jean’s face paled when he watched another man in white drag the broken body of a fighter from the ring, smearing crimson all over the floor before they disappeared into the crowd. </p>
<p>Eren pulled his phone out of his pants pocket and texted Dylan. </p>
<p>Eren: <em> I’m here with my friend. Where should I meet you?  </em></p>
<p>The reply was almost instant. </p>
<p>Dylan: <em> Txt me after the last fight </em></p>
<p>Eren shoved his phone back into his pocket and turned to Jean just as another competitor emerged from the crowd. </p>
<p>“Looks like we get to watch the last match.” </p>
<p>Eren lightly punched Jean’s shoulder, but his friend paid him no heed, his jaw slack. Eren’s brows furrowed. </p>
<p>“What’s wrong with you?” </p>
<p>Jean’s wide eyes flickered to Eren’s face, and he gripped his bicep, yanking him close as he pointed to the ring. </p>
<p>“Are you seeing what I’m seeing,” Jean breathed. </p>
<p>Eren followed the length of his finger, and his lungs locked. </p>
<p>“Holy fuck,” Eren whispered as Jean’s hand fell from his arm. </p>
<p>A slender man had sauntered up to the inner edge of the chalk ring, deep slashes of red and purple scars screaming against the pale cream of his skin. His raven hair was pulled up in an erratic bun, his undercut glistening with sweat as he blew black tendrils out of his shadowed eyes. His arms hung loosely at his sides. The gray wrappings around his fists were stained orange and black along the knuckles. </p>
<p>The man in white dropped the champion’s forearm as his chest roared with laughter. Dark chuckles whispered through the crowd as the champion began to circle his challenger from afar. Eren swallowed his shock, the creep of fear raising the hairs on his nape when he realized the competitor’s head didn’t even reach the champion’s shoulders. </p>
<p>“That’s<em> Captain Levi. </em>” </p>
<p>Eren smacked Jean in the chest. </p>
<p>“I’m calling Hanji,” Eren said as he pulled out his phone, dialing her number fast. </p>
<p>Jean was glued to the fight. </p>
<p>After a few rings, Eren was about to give up when Hanji finally picked up. </p>
<p>She yawned. </p>
<p>“Why are you calling me at --” she paused, presumably checking the time on her phone “-- 1:37 in the morning?” </p>
<p>Somewhere in the basement, the music was turned up, and Eren’s voice was lost as the crowd began to holler all around him. </p>
<p>“Eren, I can’t hear you.” </p>
<p>Eren pressed the phone’s mic to his chapped lips, yelling at the top of his lungs. </p>
<p>“Dude, there’s too much noise in the background.” </p>
<p>Frustrated, Eren ended the call but quickly FaceTimed Hanji instead. </p>
<p>Hanji answered immediately, the camera dark at first. Then the light from her phone lit up her face as she pushed smudged glasses up her hooked nose, squinting against the brightness. Eren flipped the camera, turned his phone to the side, and showed Hanji just exactly what he and Jean had stumbled upon. </p>
<p>A blow horn sounded through the basement, and the crowd stilled. </p>
<p>Levi rolled his sore shoulders a bit, bringing his shaking fists close up to his ashen cheeks. The champion threw his shaved head back and laughed again with his hands on his narrow hips. He shook his head and brought his hands before him to match Levi’s stance. Then he stretched his fingers out before him, gesturing for Levi to move. </p>
<p>“Come, bitch,” the champion sneered. “I’ll put you down like the dog you are.” </p>
<p>The corner of Levi’s mouth twitched up. He launched himself forward, racing towards the champion. When he was a few feet away from him, he leapt into the air, his knees level with the crown of the other man’s head. His beady eyes bulged out of his head as Levi’s legs wrapped around his shoulders, and his thin ankles locked together. His calloused fingers clawed into Levi’s thighs as Levi whipped his upper body low -- his back and arms parallel with the champion’s torso and legs -- before swinging himself back up. The champion buckled beneath him, and he slammed into the concrete with an empty-lung hiss.</p>
<p>Eren heard Hanji gasp, a delicate hand brushing her parted lips. </p>
<p>Levi pressed the blade of his bruised shin into the man’s thick throat, felt his adam's apple scrape against his bone as he squirmed beneath him. He jabbed into Levi’s ribs frantically, but all Levi felt were his knuckles shattering the man’s face until he went limp. </p>
<p>A cold hand gripped Levi’s shoulder, and his hooded eyes looked up, bored. The ref jerked his head, signalling the end of the fight. Levi unlocked his ankles and hopped off of his competitor. </p>
<p>The man stayed on the ground as the ref raised Levi’s arm high. Hot blood trickled down to Levi’s elbow, and the crowd howled. </p>
<p>A text notification flashed over Eren’s FaceTime call with Hanji, and he tapped on it. </p>
<p>Dylan: <em> Meet me in the bathroom &amp; I’ll re-up you there.  </em></p>
<p>Eren: <em> k </em></p>
<p>When he looked up, Levi was gone. </p>
<p>Eren turned to Jean and showed him his texts before switching back to his video call. </p>
<p>Jean rifled through his pockets and tore out a pair of tangled earbuds, shoving them into Eren’s hand. Eren nodded in thanks as he pulled out one earbud from the fray, putting it into his ear, and he immediately regretted it; he winced through Hanji’s screeches. </p>
<p>“You found Levi,” she squealed as she sat up in bed, turning on the lights in her bedroom. </p>
<p>“Yeah,” Eren huffed as he began to navigate through the jostling bodies, Jean close behind him. </p>
<p>“Where did he go,” she asked, her amber eyes bright. </p>
<p>Eren’s eyes flicked down to his phone when he and Jean stumbled into a quieter hallway. </p>
<p>“Got no clue.” </p>
<p>Her brows furrowed. </p>
<p>“You’re looking for him, yeah?” </p>
<p>Eren ignored her. </p>
<p>“Eren,” she yelled. </p>
<p>He didn’t look at her. </p>
<p>“Got business to do first.” </p>
<p>He turned down another hallway, plunging them into blackness again. Hanji’s cheeks darkened, her freckles as striking as her boiling rage. </p>
<p>“You idiot,” she hissed. “Finding Levi is more important than your fucking drugs.” </p>
<p>Eren shrugged, looking over his shoulder to make sure that he hadn’t lost Jean back there. </p>
<p>“Work first, play later.” </p>
<p>He went to turn down another hallway when Jean yanked the back of his hoodie. </p>
<p>Hanji’s silence was black. </p>
<p>He whipped around, glaring, to see Jean jerking a thumb at a door he had passed by accident. Yellow light seeped through its edges, but it was just enough that he could make out the flecks of white words reading ‘bathroom’. </p>
<p>Eren elbowed the door open, and they went inside. </p>
<p>It smelled of cold mildew and rancid piss. </p>
<p>“Well, Hanji, I’ve gotta --” </p>
<p>Jean gasped. </p>
<p>Dylan and Levi stood huddled together in the empty corner of the single use bathroom.</p>
<p>Eren’s eyes widened, and he flipped the camera around. </p>
<p> A sooty spoon was clenched in Levi’s teeth, a latex glove wrapped tightly around his bicep. His arm was extended before him, his bare fist squeezed into white knuckles. And Dylan’s fingers were wrapped around Levi’s wrist to keep him steady as he pressed down on the plunger of the needle in the crook of Levi’s elbow til it was empty. </p>
<p>Hanji screamed. </p>
<p>“<em> Fuck </em>,” Eren grunted, his hand flying to his ear. “Not so fucking loud.” </p>
<p>Levi’s face shot up, his gray eyes flicking from Eren’s face to Jean’s. His mouth fell open when he sucked in a breath, and the spoon clattered onto the broken tile beneath his bare feet. Dylan looked up as he removed the needle from Levi’s arm. </p>
<p>“That did not just fucking happen,” Hanji kept wailing.</p>
<p>“What the fuck do you think you’re doing,” Dylan barked, throwing the needle onto the ground as he charged towards Eren. </p>
<p>Eren ended the FaceTime call and shoved his phone into his pocket, taking a step back before Dylan, snarling, got into his face. </p>
<p>***</p>
<p>Hanji sat on the edge of her empty bed, her wrinkled sheets strewn about the mattress. Her hands sat limply in her lap for a moment. She breathed and forced her numb fingers to dial Erwin’s phone number. </p>
<p>***</p>
<p>“Why the fuck are you on the phone?” </p>
<p>Eren blinked. </p>
<p>Levi slithered past them, smashing into Jean’s shoulder as he passed him. </p>
<p>“. . . seeing fucking ghosts,” Levi mumbled to himself as he threw the bathroom door open. </p>
<p>Jean watched him leave, his stomach lurching when he caught sight of the scabbing track marks that traced up both of Levi’s arms, his shoulders. As the door swung closed and Dylan’s and Eren’s screaming echoed off of the tile walls, Jean subtly pulled out his phone from his hoodie’s pocket and started to record the conversation. </p>
<p>Jean whipped around and gently pushed Dylan back. His bloodshot eyes bore into his long face, and Jean gritted his teeth. </p>
<p>“Calm the fuck down,” he growled. </p>
<p>Dylan’s trembling hands yanked at the hem of his sun-bleached jacket, and he stuck out his stubbly chin at them. His waxy skin was flushed, pulled tightly against his sharp features. Haunted eyes darted about Eren and Jean as he rolled his shoulders. </p>
<p>“Don’t be such a fucking dumbass, Eren,” he said coolly, a wicked smile stretching across his cracked lips. </p>
<p>Eren pulled his hood over his head, plunging his steady fists into his pockets. Fury flashed across his face. Jean dropped his hand onto his trap, squeezing. </p>
<p>“That’s not something he can help,” Jean chuckled. </p>
<p>Eren shot him a look, his lips thin and white. Jean rolled his eyes. </p>
<p>Dylan breathed out a laugh as he strode back to the corner. He plucked a backpack from the ground, and then shoved it into Eren’s chest. </p>
<p>“Here’s the shit you requested.” </p>
<p>Eren slowly nodded before rummaging through the bag. When everything seemed to be in order, he zipped it up and slung it over his back, pulling his arms through the loose straps. </p>
<p>“Thanks.” </p>
<p>Dylan smirked, thumbing one of his belt loops. Then he took a step closer to Eren. He couldn’t stop himself from wrinkling his nose when Dylan draped his arm over him, pulling his ear close to his lips. </p>
<p>“You know,” he purred sickly. “Tonight’s new champion, that guy you saw me in here with -- yeah, that whore’s got moves.” </p>
<p>Eren jerked back, the pit of his stomach ice. </p>
<p>“Fuck, why the fuck are you telling me this?” </p>
<p>Dylan rolled his eyes. </p>
<p>“I’m saying, he could be yours for the night.” He grinned, no light in his eyes. “For the right price, of course.” </p>
<p>Eren shook his head fast, but Jean took a step forward. </p>
<p>“Y-yeah,” he stammered. </p>
<p>“Jean --” Eren hissed. </p>
<p>“-- I’m interested.” </p>
<p>Dylan’s pale eyebrows shot up. </p>
<p>“Wow, didn’t expect that,” he chortled. </p>
<p>Then he dug into his pants pocket, pulling out a sharpie. He uncapped it and snatched at Jean’s wrist. Jean held out his hand, palm up, and Dylan wrote an address on his skin. The ink bled a bit into the thin creases as Dylan capped the marker and shoved it back into his pocket. </p>
<p>“Go to that address if you’re serious,” he winked. </p>
<p>Dylan hadn’t let go of Jean’s wrist yet. Instead, he brought his hand to his lips and licked up the length of Jean’s finger. Jean choked on the burning bile that had suddenly found its way up his throat. Smirking, Dylan dropped his wrist and pushed past the two of them. </p>
<p>After the door clicked shut behind him, Jean waited another moment before he turned to Eren and gagged. He took a step to the sink and turned the faucet knob on. The tap water spluttered murky before running clear, and Jean shoved his finger under the stream, practically scratching his skin off. </p>
<p>“Fucking disgusting,” he muttered to himself, careful to not ruin the address on his closed palm. </p>
<p>“What the fuck was that all about?”. </p>
<p>“I thought this might help us find Levi.” </p>
<p>He turned the faucet off and wiped his finger on his pants. He grimaced when he saw specks of rust from the fence clinging to his damp skin again. </p>
<p>“Oh.” </p>
<p>Jean pulled out his phone and stopped the recording. </p>
<p>“Yeah, Dylan wasn’t wrong when he called you a dumbass.” </p>
<p>Eren glared at Jean and didn’t say anything when he walked out of the bathroom. Jean followed him. </p>
<p>***</p>
<p>Hanji’s phone rang and rang until it reached Erwin’s voicemail. </p>
<p>She ended the call and dialed the number again. </p>
<p>No answer. </p>
<p>She dialed a third time and -- </p>
<p>“Hanji,” Erwin’s husky voice groaned. “What could you possibly want this late at night?” </p>
<p>She bit her lip, a hand pressing into the peak of her forehead. </p>
<p>“They found him,” she whispered. </p>
<p>Erwin cleared his throat. </p>
<p>“What are you talking about?” </p>
<p>Hanji closed her eyes. </p>
<p>“Eren and Jean found Levi.” </p>
<p>The line went quiet, and Hanji pulled her phone from her cheek just to be sure the call hadn’t ended. </p>
<p>“Erwin?” </p>
<p>“I. . .” </p>
<p>Hanji shut her eyes tight, her voice hitching in her chest. </p>
<p>“We need to talk, though. You should come over now.” </p>
<p>Static sounded through the line from the deepness of Erwin’s sigh. </p>
<p>“I’ll be right over.” </p>
<p>***</p>
<p>Eren and Jean didn’t speak while they trudged through the shadows back to the car. When they sat in the stained seats, Eren pulled out his phone and FaceTimed Hanji again. He got it to awkwardly rest on its side on the dash so the camera could pick up himself and Jean.</p>
<p>Hanji answered the phone quickly. She was curled up on her living room couch, a fuzzy afghan thrown around her shoulders. She turned her camera to the side as well, and they saw that Erwin was with her. His blond hair stuck out in places, his blue eyes rimmed purple with protest from being awake so late at night. His gray PJ shirt had a moth hole close to the collar. </p>
<p>Jean raised an eyebrow. </p>
<p>“Thought you lived alone, Hanji,” he teased. </p>
<p>She pushed her glasses into her mussed hair. </p>
<p>“I called him after our call ended so abruptly.” </p>
<p>Jean’s lips pursed.</p>
<p>“So. . .” Hanji’s voice trailed off. </p>
<p>“What happened,” Erwin pressed. </p>
<p>Eren explained why they went to the fight and saw one of Levi’s signature moves and what they found happening in the bathroom. </p>
<p>Erwin nodded slowly. </p>
<p>“Do you think his. . .” </p>
<p>“Yeah,” Jean cut in. “He got his memories back, alright.” </p>
<p>Eren turned to him. </p>
<p>“How do you know?” </p>
<p>“When he bolted past me, I heard him say something about seeing ghosts. And, I mean, he looked so shocked when he saw us in the bathroom.” </p>
<p>Eren shrugged. </p>
<p>“Sounds about right.” </p>
<p>“What happened after the phone call ended,” Hanji demanded. </p>
<p>“Aye,” Jean drawled. “I recorded the whole conversation.”<br/>Erwin’s thick brows shot up. </p>
<p>“Good thinking, Jean.” </p>
<p>He held his phone close to Eren’s mic and hit play. When it ended, they were all so quiet as Jean tucked it back into his pocket. </p>
<p>Erwin swallowed before speaking. </p>
<p>“I’ll pay you guys back if you take up Dylan’s offer.” </p>
<p>Eren reeled, his eyes wide. </p>
<p>“You want us to --” </p>
<p>“<em> Yes </em>,” Hanji insisted, siding with Erwin. “Bring him back here for the night, and we’ll all talk.” </p>
<p>Eren drummed his fingers on the steering wheel. </p>
<p>“Alright,” he huffed, taking his phone off of the dash. </p>
<p>“Text us when you’re on your way back here.” </p>
<p>“‘Kay.” </p>
<p>Eren ended the call and pulled up his messages, texting Dylan. </p>
<p>Eren: <em> omw to get Levi </em></p>
<p>“What a fucking night,” he groaned, tossing his phone back into the cupholder. </p>
<p>Jean’s nose whistled. Eren’s phone lit up with Dylan’s text. </p>
<p>Dylan: <em> k </em></p>
<p>Eren peeled out of the parking lot.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Encina Power Station is a real place in Carlsbad, CA (USA)! Here's the Google Map for it: https://www.google.com/maps/place/NRG+Cabrillo+Power/@33.1373957,-117.3376297,394m/data=!3m1!1e3!4m12!1m6!3m5!1s0x80dc726759a5c24b:0xe27c4ac1fda97ff4!2sNRG+Cabrillo+Power!8m2!3d33.1378901!4d-117.3373567!3m4!1s0x80dc726759a5c24b:0xe27c4ac1fda97ff4!8m2!3d33.1378901!4d-117.3373567</p>
<p>you can choose to see the satellite map, which will give you an idea of what this entire area looks like!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Blue Rimmed with Red</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>CW: besides drug use, this chapter also mentions prostitution &amp; self-harm</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <b> <em>Letter to Meth </em> </b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> You don't know me, </em>
</p><p>
  <em> and I promise you never will. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> You've taken over my best friend. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> His soul you're out to steal. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> (. . .) </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Since the day he met you, </em>
</p><p>
  <em> he hasn't been the same. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> He's confused and without reason. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> He's caught up in your game. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> You push and pull on his veins, </em>
</p><p>
  <em> moving in and out. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> You are the nightmare in the needle </em>
</p><p>
  <em> he just can't live without. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> You lie to him, and he believes you. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> (. . .) </em>
</p><p>
  <em> When he wraps you in his track marked arms, </em>
</p><p>
  <em> he's playing with a loaded gun. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> I don't know if my love can save him. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> You've got a hold so tight, </em>
</p><p>
  <em> But (. . .) </em>
</p><p>
  <em> I never leave without a fight. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>-- Amanda Logsdon</em> </b>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>Levi gripped the grimy sink basin with bloodied knuckles, tendrils of knotted hair plastered to his ashen cheeks with cold sweat. Head bowed, his gray eyes flicked back up to the shattered mirror, a slice of glass tinkling onto the cold tile beneath his holey socks. He caught sight of himself, and the memories assaulted his mind again. </p><p>
  <em> Crimson sprays caught the sun and glittered. His nose burned with the smell of ripe intestines. Cacophonies of screaming Scouts drove him to wield his twin blades, a molar fracturing from how hard he clenched his teeth as he shot into the air.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> His soldiers were surrounded by creatures -- titans, his mind supplied their name. Their putrid mouths were full, full of broken bodies, tattered uniforms, splintered swords.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Captain Levi,” a muffled sob --  </em>
</p><p><em> “ </em>No,” Levi’s trembling lips whispered into the silent bathroom. </p><p>His shoulders shuddered, goosebumps trailing up his flesh. He whipped around to the toilet, threw the cracked lid up, and wretched into the murky water.</p><p>After the fight, when he had looked up from the needle in his vein and saw those emerald eyes locking on him, the waves of long lost memories crashed over him. At first, he thought maybe he was hallucinating, but Dylan saw those kids too -- <em> knew </em>at least one of them, even. It was in that moment Levi recognized what he was experiencing were memories of a past life. He didn’t think it was possible to feel like you know yourself more than you had ever known yourself before and then realize you might not actually know anything about who you really are. </p><p>He wiped crusting vomit from his chin with the hem of his shirt and brought himself back onto his feet. Numbly, he flushed the toilet and then carefully rinsed thin glass shards from his knuckles. Maybe punching the mirror wasn’t such a great idea. Over the rushing of the faucet, Levi swore he heard Dylan laughing with someone in the studio. Then the front door slammed shut. </p><p>Levi grimaced, not in the mood to even be in his own bones. His skin crawled, itching for another hit already. He ran a shaky hand through his hair, flung it up in a hasty bun, and left the bathroom. </p><p>Dylan perched himself on the wooden armrest of the makeshift futon, clumsy hands stuffed in oversized jacket pockets. He grinned up at Eren. Jean stood close to the battered door, his nervous brown eyes darting about the half-eaten ramen bowls, stained t-shirts, tattered boots, spilled pill bottles beside rusted razors, the knocked-over bubblers -- all of which had been scraped clean of resin -- that littered the studio. </p><p>Levi’s lungs hitched when Dylan caught sight of him and waved him over. Levi’s leaden legs did not move, his face darkening. Dylan rolled his eyes. He hopped off of the futon and strode a few feet to stand in front of him. </p><p>“What are they doing here,” Levi growled low. </p><p>Dylan flashed him barred teeth. </p><p>“They’ve paid to take you out for the night.” </p><p>Levi’s thin brows shot up, his jaw slack. </p><p>“<em> Fuck no </em>,” he hissed as he took a step closer to get into Dylan’s face. “I’m not going anywhere with them.” </p><p>Dylan blinked in surprise; Levi never denied him of anything. He quickly recovered, resting his hand on the wall next to Levi’s neck as he pressed himself against him with a knee forced between his legs. Levi’s shoulder blades hit the wall. Dylan peered down at him dangerously before he touched his cheek to Levi’s, the cold tip of his nose tracing down the length of his sharp jaw. </p><p>“Let’s say you stay home tonight,” Dylan whispered against the lines of Levi’s ear. “Then I keep the money <em> I won </em> from the fight, and you get no dope.” </p><p>He pulled his face back just an inch to stare at Levi, quick enough to watch him wince from the threat of impending withdrawal. Dylan’s sickly breath was hot against his lips. Levi’s insides boiled, his hooded eyes narrowing as he threw his chest into Dylan’s to get him off. </p><p>Levi let go of the breath he didn’t realize he was holding, then lunged forward, his fist cocked back. Dylan yelped when his back smashed against the wall, the throbbing muscle of Levi’s forearm brushing past his temple. His hand was lost inside of a new hole in the drywall right next to Dylan’s face. Grunting, he jerked his arm out of it, the slashes on his knuckles reopened and sore. His gray eyes burned a look into Dylan as he watched Levi with wide eyes. </p><p>He jogged to the futon, threw his scuffed-up backpack over one shoulder, and strode out of the front door. He left it wide open, and, wordlessly, Eren and Jean quickly followed him down the cement stairs of the apartment complex. </p><p>When they reached the parking lot at the end of the last flight, Levi leaned his hip against the wrought iron railing, his arms folded over his chest. He kept his eyes on his holey socks, silently thankful the sprinklers hadn’t gone off yet or they’d be soaked; he had been too angry to remember to grab shoes. The boys stood before him for a moment, just looking at him. </p><p>Eren jerked his chin towards the lot. </p><p>“Car’s this way.” </p><p>He turned on his heel, flicking his hoodie over his head. </p><p>Hesitantly, Jean plopped a firm hand on Levi’s shoulder, but he rolled it off with a click of his tongue, unable to meet his eye before following Eren. Jean kept pace with him until they reached the car. </p><p>Levi barrelled into the empty back seat and slammed the door closed behind himself, rattling the whole rusted frame. Jean winced, his eyes darting to Eren for a moment, but he only shoved his key into the ignition with gritted teeth. </p><p>Eren didn’t bother to put music on, so they drove to Escondido in silence, the corner of Levi’s spiral notebook digging into his spine; he stubbornly refused to take his backpack off despite the ride growing longer and longer. </p><p>Knots tied and untied in his chest as he watched the passing orange lamplight warm the faces of the boys. Fuck, back when they were on his Squad, he loved them like they were his own<em> kids </em>. </p><p>But now, Dylan was whoring him out to them. </p><p>Levi’s forehead fell into his calloused hands, and he pressed the balls of his palms into his eyes until he saw bursting stars. His lungs filled with a shaky breath. </p><p>“Guys,” he murmured, clearing his throat a bit in hopes that his voice would come out strong. </p><p>He dropped his tired hands onto his lap. </p><p>“I’m gonna make you an offer.” </p><p>Jean turned his head to look over the back of the passenger seat. </p><p>“I’ll give you guys road head if you just drop me off somewhere.”</p><p>Jean’s eyes grew to the size of milk saucers. A faint blush crept up his throat before he whipped back around. </p><p>“Shut the fuck up,” Eren snorted.</p><p>He noticed Eren’s leg was bouncing fast.</p><p>Levi swallowed and pressed his cheek against the cold window, trying to ignore the rise of bone-deep dread. He let his head roll about as they made turns down a few different neighborhoods, his eyes lingering on some of the more notable houses that had rolling front gardens, tall stained glass doors, ocean-themed marble fountains. </p><p>After a few more minutes, they passed a sleek silver car parked on the street in front of a two-story house, and then Eren pulled into its long driveway of clean concrete. At three in the morning, he was surprised to see the taupe shutters had been thrown open to reveal household lights, delicate curtains dancing with the brush of a faint salty breeze. The boys got out, and Levi followed them, thumbing his fraying backpack straps. He liked the dark ivy vines that had grown up the side of the pale stucco to the second story window, violet blooms of morning glory lacing through the thatching of a chipping white fence. </p><p>“Damn brats, you selling snow to afford this fucking mansion,” he hissed under his breath when they approached the front porch. </p><p>He cast a glance at the single weathered rocker that had been placed in front of the porch window. By its foot sat a potted cactus, a little yellow bud growing on its crown. Levi’s eyes bore into the boys’ backs, both clad in cigarette-stained jackets. Eren picked at a loose string on his ripped jeans, throwing his hood off of his head to reveal long hair. Jean bounced his weight between his thrift store sneakers, the outline of a pipe and lighter in his back pocket. Levi’s brows creased; this cookie-cutter house did not seem like anything these two twenty-somethings would live in, especially if they were the types to go out renting whores. </p><p>They ignored him. </p><p>His stomach dropped when Eren threw the red door open and motioned for Levi to go inside, he and Jean standing on either side of the entrance. He didn’t look at them as he stepped into the threshold of what was about to be his own personal hellhole. </p><p>Dog-eared books were strewn about the glass coffee table in the living room. Wool blankets were piled on the armrest of a black leather couch. Unorganized stacks of manilla files littered the light stands, papers covered in chicken scratch spilling from their folders. Mint scrubs and coffee-stained lab coats were draped over the wood stairs railing. Down the front hall, Levi caught a glimpse of half-filled mugs and used plates overflowing from the kitchen sink and onto the granite counters. </p><p>The front door closed behind him, the deadbolt clicking as it locked. He whipped around to face Jean and Eren. </p><p>“Where the fuck are we?” </p><p>One corner of Eren’s mouth raised, a glint of mischievousness warming his tan cheeks. </p><p>“Oh, yeah, so I’m not selling snow, and this obviously isn’t my place,” he said, brushing past Levi to settle in the living room. </p><p>Levi followed him. Jean took a step to stand behind the couch, his arms crossed over his chest. Levi realized he stood between himself and the only exit he was aware of. He gripped his straps with aching knuckles to still the shaking in his hands, his heart as frantic as a caged bird. Eren lifted his arms in a sweeping motion around the room before flashing him a toothy grin. </p><p>“This is Doctor Hanji Zoe’s house.” </p><p>Levi caught his weak knees before they buckled beneath him, his lips thin and white with a deepening frown as his narrowed eyes raged. </p><p>“Of course, she goes by Doctor Emilia Muller, since, ya know, ‘Hanji’s’ not really her name in this life, but she likes it when we call her that,” he prattled on. </p><p>Levi licked his lips and lunged at Eren. He clawed his hoodie, yanking him down to his face. </p><p>“I can’t do this shit right now,” he bellowed. “I’m too fucking sober!” </p><p>Eren grabbed his wrists, digging his nails into the thin bones.</p><p>Footsteps pounded upstairs. Hanji rounded the corner of a hallway. Gasping, she froze at the top landing overlooking the living room.</p><p>“I don’t have any drugs,” he spat, lying. </p><p>Levi shook him hard, chestnut tendrils falling into his eyes. </p><p>“You fucking liar,” Levi howled.</p><p>“Erwin,” Hanji called over her shoulder, white knuckles gripping the wood railing. </p><p>Levi’s eyes flicked up to her, and then he found himself looking into bright blue depths rimmed with red. </p><p>“Levi,” Erwin breathed, a foot hovering over the first step.</p><p>His jaw went slack, lips softly parted with sudden silence. His fingers went limp around a tearing jacket. Eren smashed his palms into Levi’s bruised collar bones, and he stumbled backwards, his calves hitting the edge of cold glass. He fell, and the coffee table shattered beneath him. He threw himself back onto his feet, not caring if there were any chunks of glass buried in his sliced up hands. Blood rushed through his hot ears, drowning out everything but the thudding of heavy footfall down the stairs. He swung his legs over the back of the couch, Jean yelping when their shoulders smacked together. </p><p>“Wait,” Erwin cried out after him.</p><p>His fingers fumbled with the lock on the front door for a moment before he threw it open. It crashed against the wall as he bolted outside. </p><p>The muscles in his legs screamed against every step that took him farther and farther from Erwin. His lungs seared with each breath devoid of his cologne. Everything around him blurred as salt rose from his gray depths. Erwin’s countenance -- so new to these eyes yet so <em> familiar </em>to the very fiber of his being -- burned into his retinas. </p><p>A hand wrapped around his backpack handle as he strode past Eren’s piece of shit car, and it wrenched him backwards, shocking him into the present. He staggered against a chest, felt the pounding of a scarred and scared heart even through the fabric of his bag. Arms encircled him from behind, blond hair on rich skin catching the starlight. </p><p>Levi stood still as a nose traced over his trap, a quivering breath so hot against his ruined skin. Erwin leaned into his neck and pressed his brow into the hollow of his throat. His golden lashes felt so delicate against Levi’s bones. </p><p>“It’s <em> you </em>.” </p><p>Did those words tumble from Levi’s chapped lips, or did they rumble from Erwin? </p><p>Levi’s teeth chattered. He raised a hand and let it fall over Erwin’s, his lavender lids fluttering closed. He let himself bleed into these stolen minutes that echoed a love from a long-forgotten time, just for a moment. Slowly, his socks turned him around, and, on tiptoes, he buried his cold cheeks into the warm crook of Erwin’s collar bone.</p><p>“Levi,” he cooed against his veins, his hands so strong on his back.</p><p>His throat was too thick to speak, choked by the collision of emotion from another life with the here and now. Levi’s hands slid up Erwin’s chest and balled into his loose shirt. Shoulders shaking, all he could do was breathe him in and feel a little piece of himself break with each exhale, as if his lungs could not even fathom letting go of something as simple as his smell. Erwin’s soft hands found his biceps -- so smooth against the puckered track marks. Then he pulled away, just an inch. A finger flittered up to his chin, lifting Levi’s face to look into his. </p><p>Erwin’s jaw was peppered with gray and blond stubble. Laughter lines crinkled the corners of his brilliant eyes even without a smile kissing his rose lips. Perpetually sunburnt, his nose and cheekbones were dappled with cinnamon freckles. His sandy bedhead had a sea of slate around his temples. He was so much older than he had been in Levi’s previous memories. </p><p>Levi’s thin brows furrowed, and he worried a lip between his chipped teeth. A thumb touched just beneath his dark lashes, wiping away a tear he hadn’t realized fell. </p><p>“Let’s talk in my car,” Erwin murmured, the hand on his bicep falling down to meet his own. </p><p>Fingers intertwined, Erwin didn’t wait for Levi’s voice, but he still followed him through the dewy grass to the silver car parked on the street. Erwin opened the passenger door for him and quietly closed it before he walked around the hood to slide into the driver’s side. Levi clutched his backpack to his chest, his whole body shaking and yet <em> humming </em>to be so close to Erwin. </p><p>Levi heard Erwin swallow, and his eyes flickered over just in time to see his adam’s apple bob. Their eyes met. Levi looked down at his toes, one poking out of a hole and a little pink. </p><p>“Le --” </p><p>“-- Tell me everything about you,” Levi gasped, his ashen cheeks flushing. </p><p>Erwin was quiet for a moment. He slid his hand onto the center console, palm up. Levi’s heart fluttered as he brushed rebellious raven tendrils from his forehead before nervously glancing at Erwin again. Then, so slowly, Levi let his hand wander over to Erwin’s. A soft smile plucked at the corners of Erwin’s lips when their fingers laced together. </p><p>“Well,” Erwin ran a hand through his messy waves. “I’m not sure where to begin.” </p><p>“I’ve been told people begin at the beginning.” </p><p>Erwin chuckled, his thumb rubbing small circles on Levi’s.</p><p>“I’m 43 years old,” he tapped his chin. “Same birthday, though. I work as a seventh grade political science teacher and enjoy a few drinks with friends on the weekends. I own a house and like to grill. I have three older sisters, but none of them live in California.” </p><p>Erwin shrugged. </p><p>“Tell me about you.” </p><p>Levi breathed. </p><p>“I, uh, I’m 26. Still a Christmas baby. I bounce around places a lot.” </p><p>Levi felt his eyes on him, silently challenging him to be honest. Levi let his hand fall from Erwin’s as he raised his arms out between them. </p><p>“I’m a junkie,” he rotated his forearms, the violent scars and fresh scabs catching the night light.</p><p>Erwin’s eyes traced the long lines of lilac that ran parallel to the deep vein in his wrists. Then he noticed the thinner lines etched across the soft skin of his shoulders too, his stomach heavy with ice when he realized that not all of Levi’s scars were from needles; as many as stars had come from his own hand. </p><p>“I’ll take anything I can get my hands on. I compete in illegal fighting rings for drug money. I live with my dealer, and he whores me out in exchange for brown sug -- <em> heroin </em>.” </p><p>Levi grimaced, dropped his arms, and looked away. He didn’t want to see the loathing harden Erwin’s jaw, the shame wrinkle his nose. But the silence hurt his ears more than anything else. </p><p>“This doesn’t have to be your life anymore,” Erwin spoke quietly. </p><p>Levi barked with laughter. </p><p>“I’m an <em> addict, </em>Erwin --” </p><p>He gripped the steering wheel, his fists clenching and unclenching. </p><p>“ -- You don’t have to be <em> just an addict </em>, Levi --” </p><p>“ -- it’s not that simple.” </p><p>Red crept up Erwin’s throat. A vein pulsed just beneath the surface. </p><p>“I want you to be in my life,” Erwin whispered. </p><p>Levi stopped breathing. </p><p>“But if you won’t let me take you somewhere to get help right now,” he turned to look at him, his blue eyes rimmed with red, “then this will be the last time you will see me or the others ever again.” </p><p>
  <em> Fuck.  </em>
</p><p>Levi’s face crumpled into his hands, his legs bouncing so hard his whole body shook. His backpack slipped from his lap and fell to his feet. </p><p>Could he really live his whole life -- a second chance at a peace he never even dared to hope for a taste of in his last life-- knowing he gave up Erwin, the man who made him actually feel <em> alive </em> ? He had tried to drown the desperate ache in his chest with anything he could get his greedy hands on, not knowing that it was <em> Erwin </em>his being craved, and now that very person sat just a brush of trembling fingers away from him. </p><p>Levi lifted his head, his eyes shut tight against the roaring fear inside of him. </p><p>“Okay,” his gray eyes searched for Erwin in the dark. </p><p>Those blue eyes held him. </p><p>“Let’s go.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Copper Springs</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>CW: psych ward/rehab admittance &amp; conversations about self harm scars</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>Killing my Addict (Cleaning the Attic) </em> </b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Once an addict always an addict </em>
</p><p>
  <em> And I'm back in the attic </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Blowing dust off picture frames and knickknacks </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Stirring up old feelings and panic attacks </em>
</p><p>
  <em> These memories so fragile </em>
</p><p>
  <em> These demons so quick and agile </em>
</p><p>
  <em> None of it ever goes away </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Just covered until a cloudy day </em>
</p><p>
  <em> When my soul decides to do some housekeeping </em>
</p><p>
  <em> But this is something no spring cleaning </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Could ever completely sanitize </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Until I come to realize </em>
</p><p>
  <em> That this is no longer me </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Just remnants of what I used to be </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>-- Jack Ghaven </em> </b>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Dawn rose over the mountains. Farmers were careful to plant rows and rows of groves -- walnuts, mandarin oranges, lemons, avocados -- into their red rock sides. Levi saw streams of honey light setting the trees aglow. The potholed road Erwin drove down wove through shady oak trees, their leaves’ soft shadows dappled by morning mist. </p><p>Erwin’s thumb traced delicate patterns over the shallow veins in his hand, their fingers quietly laced together still. Levi forced himself to focus on the warmth of Erwin’s skin against his own instead of the violent cravings clawing through his chest, begging for the flash of pain in the crooks of his elbows or between his toes that always brought blissful numbness to his being. </p><p>But Levi didn’t want to be numb anymore. </p><p>His bloodshot eyes flicked to the ticking time on the car’s dashboard: 4:26AM. He was keenly aware of the cold sweat that plastered his shirt to his back and chest, the rising burn inside of his aching muscles, the ebb and flow of shivers that didn’t creep up on him because he was a little chilly without his jacket; his bone-deep dread kept reminding him that withdrawal was imminent. </p><p>Withdrawal felt like drowning. When your head dipped beneath the stormy surface of addiction, your skin couldn’t feel how the inevitability of death surrounded you, but your screaming lungs knew the difference when you choked on thick nothingness. And when your body lashed out as your life flashed before your eyes, desperate hands trying to just <em> touch </em> the shadows of long-forgotten memories dancing another lifetime out of reach, your fingers either emerged from the bitter depths of destruction, or you let go. </p><p>But if you could get your head above the crashing waves of emotions you were too numb to let yourself feel, and you could greedily suck in that first aching breath of a life that was always worth living, you suddenly felt undeniably and irrevocably <em> awake </em>. </p><p>And Levi would let himself drown and drown and drown again if it meant he had the chance to wake up to Erwin. </p><p>Loose gravel crunched beneath the tires as they passed under a ranching arch, rusted letters spelling out “Copper Springs” high above their heads. Hedges of pink jasmine gave way to sparse hibiscus trees as they drove up the hill that led to the mental health and addiction rehabilitation clinic. Erwin parked beside a van. He pulled his keys out of the ignition, but Levi didn’t move. Erwin squeezed his hand and plopped his other over its top, scooching as close to the center console as he could manage. </p><p>“Hey,” Erwin cocked his head to the side, a cheek dimpling with his half smile. “How are you feeling?” </p><p>“Scared shitless,” Levi stiffly admitted. </p><p>Erwin nodded. He draped his arm over Levi’s shoulders and pulled him against his chest. The console plastic poked Levi’s ribs, but he didn’t mind because his face was at home in the hollow of Erwin’s throat, his nose pressed against his delicate bones. </p><p>“Remember why you’re doing this,” Erwin whispered into the space between them. </p><p>Levi sighed when he smelled Erwin’s feint aftershave from yesterday morning, his hand finding his nape. A soft undercut tickled his callouses as he rubbed the tanned skin before pulling away. His fingers lingered on a little hole in the hem of Erwin’s gray PJ collar. </p><p>“Let’s do this.” </p><p>Levi got out of the car and swung his backpack over one shoulder. Copper Springs was a little over an hour east of Hanji’s house in Escondido, nestled between inland desert mountains. The sweltering June heat stubbornly reminded everyone that it was here to stay late this year when whipping Santa Ana winds plucked hibiscuses from their slender branches, weak dust devils dancing about their pale trunks. Erwin walked around the car and met Levi at the passenger side where his socks were firmly planted in the baking gravel. </p><p><em> Fuck </em>, he really chose the worst possible night to forget to throw on some sneakers. </p><p>Erwin extended his elbow. Levi let go of the breath he was all too aware he held. Fingers trembling, he took his arm in his. He closed his eyes and let Erwin guide him to the glass front doors. When his feet hit concrete steps and he felt shade on his face, his leaden legs stopped just as Erwin reached for the door handle. </p><p>Erwin paused. Levi looked up into his clear eyes. The shadow of a sleepless night kissed the tender flesh just beneath them, but he still smiled. </p><p>“What’s on your mind?” </p><p>He shook his head. </p><p>“What if I’m not strong enough,” his voice spilled over his quivering lips. </p><p>Erwin’s hand tentatively brushed Levi’s cheek with tender fingers, and, sighing, he leaned into the gentle touch. A thumb traced along his dark lashes.</p><p>“You’re the strongest man I’ve ever known,” Erwin murmured, his breath kissing the bow of Levi’s parted lips. </p><p>His throat was too thick to speak. Salt burned his eyes, the world around him blurring fast, and he blinked. Erwin’s hand traveled down the length of his throat, his knuckles cool against the hot bobbing muscles. Then, his palm pressed flat against his chest just below his collar bone. </p><p>“You feel that,” Erwin asked. </p><p>Levi’s brows furrowed. </p><p>“It’s your heart.” </p><p>Their eyes held. </p><p>“It’s still beating despite everything you’ve been through -- this life and the first. You’ve got an opportunity for a second chance.” </p><p>Erwin looked at the front door and then back at Levi. </p><p>“It’s right there, just waiting for you to reach out and take it.” </p><p>Levi swallowed. </p><p>“Don’t waste it,” he breathed, his hand falling from his heart.</p><p>Levi nodded. He faced the door. Clumsily, his hand found Erwin’s, and, together, they walked inside of Copper Springs. </p><p>“Hello,” a pleasantly plump woman chirped as a little bell tinkled above their heads. </p><p>She sat behind an ovular front desk. A mason jar filled with dumdum lollipops was nestled against a matching jar that had a few pens in it -- the kinds of pens that were wrapped with green craft tape and topped with fake sunflowers. The wall behind the receptionist was adorned with a textured painting of a chestnut mustang galloping through the quiet fields of a red desert. </p><p>“What can I help you gentlemen with today,” she smiled so genuinely that her entire face crinkled up. </p><p>Levi stepped forward and laid his forearms on the counter. It was so high he could rest his chin on his crossed wrists comfortably. </p><p>“I, uh, I’m here to be admitted,” his stomach fluttered. </p><p>He suddenly realized he had no idea what he was doing.</p><p>“Do you have an intake appointment?” </p><p>“Oh,” he dropped his arms and took a step back. </p><p>Erwin went to Levi’s side. His hand touched the small of his back. </p><p>“No,” Levi swallowed. “I don’t.” </p><p>“That’s alright, dear,” the receptionist said as she swiveled her chair to a green filing cabinet at the end of the desk. </p><p>She rifled through manilla folders before pulling out a massive packet, prestapled. Then she laid it atop of a battered clipboard and handed it to Levi. </p><p>“We’ll just have to squeeze you in then, so I’m going to apologize now for the wait.” </p><p>Levi took it and dug around the sucker jar while she spoke. </p><p>“All male beds are full at the moment, but we do have a couple of discharges happening around 10:30AM, though.”</p><p>He pulled out a mango dumdum, and the receptionist smiled again. </p><p>“To start getting you processed, you’ll need to fill out this packet, and then please bring it back to me when you’re done.” </p><p>Begrudgingly, he picked up a flower pen and made his way over to the sitting area. </p><p>“Thank you,” Erwin said to the receptionist as he followed Levi. </p><p>Aged brown leather couches were set around a cactus wood table. Light stands had clear turquoise vases filled with apricot and peach pits, white and black river stones with peacock feathers poking out of them. A TV, mounted to a brick wall, played the movie <em> Warcraft </em>, subtitles flashing fast across the screen.  Two metal doors sat locked beside the TV, their thin windows barred. A laminated “EMPLOYEES ONLY” sign was taped to one of them. </p><p>Levi unwrapped his candy and stuffed it into his mouth as Erwin plopped down beside him. He kicked his feet onto the table, his pen already scratching away at the first page of the packet. Erwin looked over his shoulder, his brows furrowing. </p><p>“Wait,” he tapped on the front page, holding down the paper before Levi could flip it. “Your legal name is ‘Levi’?”</p><p>He swatted Erwin’s hand away and turned the page. </p><p>“Uh, yeah,” he scrunched up his nose when he looked at him. “What else would it be?” </p><p>Erwin bit his lip. </p><p>“My birth name is Elliot.” </p><p>Levi gaped at him, then snorted. </p><p>“Fucking ‘Elliot’,” he shook his head, returning to the paperwork in his lap. </p><p>“Hanji’s birth name is Emilia. Eren’s name is Jason. Jean is Christian,” Erwin trailed off, scratching the scruff on his chin absentmindedly. </p><p>“Thank <em> fuck </em>my name isn’t some bullshit like ‘Elliot’.” </p><p>Erwin chuckled and rested his arm behind Levi along the back of the couch </p><p>“Fuck,” he muttered, dropping his forehead into his hands. </p><p>“What’s wrong?” </p><p>“I don’t have insurance,” he looked up at Erwin. </p><p>His eyes softened. </p><p>“Don’t worry about it,” Erwin hushed him as he reached for his jaw. </p><p>Levi reeled back. Erwin dropped his hand. </p><p>“Don’t be fucking ridiculous.” </p><p>Erwin shook his head. </p><p>“Just fill out the paperwork, and don’t worry about it.” </p><p>Levi grumbled curses under his breath as he flipped to the next page. </p><p>They sat like that, quietly enjoying each other’s company, for a long time. Then Levi took the chewed-up sucker stick from his mouth, throwing himself into the back of the couch. He blew loose tendrils of his hair from his face while he stuffed his trash into his pocket. </p><p>“Fucking surprised this shitty packet didn’t ask for my dick’s dimensions too,” he huffed, turning to Erwin. </p><p>“You haven’t changed much, Levi,” Erwin grinned. </p><p>He rolled his eyes as he stood up. </p><p>“Haven’t changed at all in <em> that </em>department either,” he flicked a look over his shoulder as he strode to the front desk. </p><p>A soft blush crept up Erwin’s throat, and he ran a fumbling hand through his bedhead. </p><p>The receptionist took the clipboard from Levi, and he listened to her while he dug around the dumdum jar again. She flipped through the packet for a moment before beaming at Levi. </p><p>“Looks like everything’s in order right here. Now, all I need is your photo ID to put this info into our system.” </p><p>Levi sighed as he pulled his hand out of the jar to get his duct tape wallet from his jeans pocket. He passed his ID to the receptionist. </p><p>“Thank you,” she practically sang as she busied herself. </p><p>Levi eyed her back before returning his attention to the candy. He plucked a blueberry one from the very bottom as she turned around. She gave him his card back. </p><p>“You can go and relax now. Someone will call you to the back when they’re ready for you,” she gestured to the couches with a wrinkled hand. </p><p>Levi nodded. He sauntered back to the lobby, unwrapping his second sucker as he collapsed onto the couch beside Erwin, who hadn’t moved his arm from its back. He was keenly aware of the tiny bit of distance between their thighs while he stuffed the waxy wrapper into his pocket.  </p><p>Thirty minutes turned into an hour. As they watched some creature in <em> Warcraft </em> being brutally tortured, Erwin muttered about how this probably wasn’t the best movie to be playing in Copper Springs’ lobby. Fifteen minutes later, the receptionist brought them two takeout containers filled with crispy hashbrowns, toast with jam and butter, piping hot sausage, and honey dew melon. Levi was surprised that the food was more than good. </p><p>Another hour passed, and the TV station started showing <em> World War Z </em>. Erwin got up to ask the receptionist to change the channel, mumbling something about people being eaten alive hitting too close to home. Levi didn’t know what time it was when a charley horse hit the arch of his foot. It traveled up his ankle, through his calf, and settled in the side of his thigh. Erwin rubbed his thumbs into it as best as he could, but, after a while, Levi pulled his legs to his chest and wrapped his arms around his bruised shins, resting his chin on the tops of his knees. Erwin’s arm found its way around his shoulders.</p><p>The clock above the TV ticked past 10:30AM. Erwin’s cheek fell against Levi’s head. He jabbed his elbow into his ribs, but Erwin just scooted closer to him, sighing that he was only resting his eyes. Levi wasn’t sure how much time had passed when Erwin’s chest began to rumble with gentle snores. For a long time, it was comforting. Again, the receptionist brought them two takeout trays for lunch, but this time they had country-fried steak, boiled green beans, steaming cornbread, and a strawberry yogurt cup. He didn’t wake Erwin up. Levi had just put a spoonful of yogurt into his mouth when the muscles in his lower back began to spasm so hard it took his breath away. His throat dryly tried to suck in air, but he couldn’t find it. Pushing lunch away, he tucked his forehead between his knees and prayed that he could fall asleep like Erwin did. </p><p>Sleep evaded him as his stomach began to twist and churn.</p><p>Around 1PM, the receptionist wished them the best of luck as she clutched her purse over her shoulder and left through the front doors, jolting Erwin awake. A younger blonde woman took her place, but she wasn’t as cheerful. Erwin stretched his arms high above his head and kicked his legs out. His brows pressed together when he noticed Levi balled up beside him, his breathing wickedly shallow. He rubbed his hand in circles on his sweat-soaked back. Even though Levi was very much awake, shaking like an autumn leaf beneath his fingers, he ignored Erwin. Eventually, he tried to coax him off of the couch to get him to stretch, but he refused to budge. He asked the receptionist for water. She gruffly handed him a warm plastic bottle that he brought to Levi, but he wouldn’t drink it. </p><p>3PM rolled around. Erwin watched a man in lavender scrubs pass the barred windows of the “EMPLOYEES ONLY” double doors, heard his muffled laughter with some coworkers before the guy’s back blocked his view. Then he pushed the door open, his eyes sweeping over the lobby through thick glasses. </p><p>“Levi Hutchinson,” he leaned against the door, a clipboard clutched to his chest. </p><p>Levi didn’t move. Erwin gripped his shoulder, and he wrenched his head up, cheeks ashen. Scrubs smiled, and Levi turned green. </p><p>“Come on back,” he jerked his head towards the hallway behind the door. </p><p>Levi felt every beat of his heart pump blood through his collapsing veins. His skin crawled, muscles twitching angrily just beneath the surface. Desperately, his lungs kept trying to breathe through the crushing weight of his chest. His hand shot out to Erwin’s sweatpants, his fingers knotting into its plaid pattern. </p><p>The man’s lips pursed, and his arm fell to his side as he walked over to their couch. Taking a seat on the table across from them, he clapped his hand onto Levi’s knee. He flinched. A corner of Scrub’s lips lifted up apologetically, but he didn’t move away. </p><p>“My name’s Scott, and I’m one of the nurses on call this afternoon.” </p><p>Levi stayed silent. </p><p>“I’m Erwin,” he stuck out his hand pleasantly. </p><p>They shook hands, and Scott returned his attention to Levi. </p><p>“You look like you’re really struggling right now, Levi,” Scott clasped his hands in his lap. “I really want to help you, but I can’t do that if you don’t come to the back with me.” </p><p>Levi swallowed, his fist tightening on Erwin’s pajamas. Scott’s gaze flicked between them. He sat a bit straighter, rolling his shoulders. </p><p>“If it would make you feel more comfortable,” he flung his thumb towards the closed doors, “Erwin is welcome to come back there with us.” </p><p>They were quiet for a moment before Levi nodded his head once. Scott clapped, grinning. </p><p>“Alright then,” he chirped, standing up fluidly. “Let’s get to it!” </p><p>Erwin got to his feet, his hand trailing the length of Levi’s arm before lacing their fingers together. Levi looked up at him with bloodshot eyes, a bead of sweat tracing down the length of his face. </p><p>“All we’re allowed to do in this life,” Erwin leaned in close to him, whispering into the lines of his ear, “is to believe we won’t regret the choices we’ve made.”</p><p>Levi let his legs fall. </p><p>“Don’t regret doing this.” </p><p>He eased his weight onto his holey socks, Erwin encouragingly squeezing his hand as he took a step forward. Scott winked at Levi and led them through the doors. He didn’t let himself look back as they swished closed behind his back. </p><p>Scott took them to the second door on the left. It was an office-sized room with a TV inside of the beige wall behind a length of scuffed plastic. Two chairs sat across from each other. Erwin pulled one over as Levi slumped into the other. They reached for each other at the same time, and, when their hands touched, his heart fluttered. Both of Levi’s legs bounced so fast that the motion shook Erwin’s arm all the way up to his bicep. </p><p>Scott closed the door behind himself, and he relaxed against it. </p><p>“Now that we have you in our system, we have another packet of questions for you.” </p><p>Levi groaned through gritted teeth as Scott clicked a pen ready, balancing it on the clipboard he passed to Levi. Erwin took it from him when he didn’t move. </p><p>“These questions are different from the other ones you answered -- more personal.” </p><p>Scott cleared his throat, his face sobering. </p><p>“I do have to tell you, though, that when I come back to interview you, I’ll have to ask Erwin to wait out in the lobby until we’re finished.” </p><p>Levi’s shoulders fell. </p><p>“Alright,” he swallowed. </p><p>Scott smiled. </p><p>“Do you guys have any questions for me before I let you have at it?” </p><p>Erwin looked at Levi as he shook his head.</p><p>“Okay,” Scott opened the door. “I’ll be back to check up on you guys in a bit.” </p><p>He left the room. Levi took the packet from Erwin. </p><p>“Do you want to talk about how you’re holding up,” Erwin leaned in close, rubbing his other hand up and down Levi’s jeans. </p><p>“I’m just,” Levi sighed, “super fucking nervous.” </p><p>His legs stopped jiggling as he began to fill out the paperwork. </p><p>“It’s okay to feel like that.” </p><p>Levi didn’t say anything. Eventually, Erwin picked up the TV remote and began to click through the channel guide. </p><p>“I don’t have cable at home,” he chuckled, selecting TLC. “So this is quite a treat.”</p><p>
  <em> “Who the fuck do you think you --”  </em>
</p><p>Levi’s head shot up, brows furrowed. </p><p>
  <em> “-- You’re nothing but a seedy whore, Jessica --”  </em>
</p><p>On the TV, Levi watched a woman, as tan as leather, splash champagne from her over-filled glass into another woman’s face, her pink “Boss Bitch Bride” sash soaked and officially ruined. She gasped, flicking loose curls over her bare shoulders. </p><p>
  <em> “Oh, now you’ve fucking done it, Britney.”  </em>
</p><p>Long, french-tipped nails tugged at the skimpy hem of her white strappy dress before she lunged at the other woman. </p><p>Levi’s jaw dropped, wide eyes slowly turning to look at Erwin. He crossed his legs and snorted, totally engrossed in the TV show. </p><p>“What the fuck is this shit,” Levi hissed. </p><p>Erwin gestured to the screen. </p><p>“It’s <em> Bridezillas </em>.” </p><p>Levi’s face scrunched up. </p><p>“You actually <em> like </em>this,” Levi pointed at the snarling women with his pen. </p><p>Erwin glanced at him, a delicate blush creeping up his neck. </p><p>“It’s a guilty pleasure,” he smirked sheepishly. </p><p>Levi shook his head, returning to the questions in his lap, but he found himself intently listening to the enfolding drama. </p><p>Two episodes came and went by before he finished answering everything. During a commercial break, he held onto the chair handles and hopped closer to Erwin’s chair, quietly resting his cheek against his broad shoulder. After a while, Erwin let go of Levi’s hand for a moment and then clasped it so their palms were held together. Levi lifted his head to scowl at Erwin, pointedly readjusting so their fingers were intertwined again. </p><p>“What are you doing,” Erwin chuckled. </p><p>“I prefer waffles over pancakes,” Levi deadpanned. </p><p>“Uh,” Erwin shifted in his chair. “If we’re talking breakfast foods, I’d say that crepes can’t be beat.” </p><p>Levi rolled his eyes.</p><p>“This,” he huffed, shaking their hands, “is called a waffle.” </p><p>“And this,” he let go and pressed their palms together, “is a bullshit way to hold someone’s hand, named after the even shittier breakfast food: a pancake.” </p><p>“Alright,” Erwin outright laughed. “But my fingers are getting tired.” </p><p>“Get up,” Levi sighed.</p><p>“O-okay.” </p><p>They stood, and Levi plopped down into Erwin’s chair. He followed his lead. Levi held out his other hand expectantly. A smile kissed Erwin’s lips as he laced their fingers together again. </p><p>“Better?” </p><p>Levi’s eyes found his, a balm of blue for the bitter bile that rose and fell at the back of his raw throat. </p><p>“Better,” he nodded. </p><p>Knuckles rapped against the door before it swooshed open, and Scott came into the room. He smiled politely at them. </p><p>“Do you need any more time to finish up the packet?” </p><p>Levi shook his head, his bun starting to slip down from his crown. </p><p>“Awesome.” Scott turned to Erwin. “I’ll take you out to the lobby so Levi and I can do the intake interview.” </p><p>Erwin watched the color drain from Levi’s face as he wrapped his arm around his shoulders, pulling him into his chest for just a moment. He felt Levi’s breath tickle his neck before he stood up, their fingertips lingering as Scott guided him out of the room. </p><p>Afternoon light cast long shadows about the quiet lobby. The blonde receptionist tapped away on her phone, idly swiveling back and forth in her chair behind that tall desk. Wordlessly, Scott went back through the double doors, and, suddenly, Erwin felt very alone. </p><p>Scott knocked on Levi’s door again before coming in. The door clicked closed behind him as he pulled Erwin’s chair away, settling it across from him. Levi pulled his shaking legs up to his chest, his arms slinking around his shins. Scott leaned over his armrest to pick up the question packet beside Levi’s chair legs. He quickly flipped through it, a crease from squinting through his glasses appearing right between his brown brows. A pang of nostalgia shot through Levi’s stomach at the sight; it was an all too familiar mark on Hanji’s warm skin. </p><p>Scott looked up as he flipped back to the front of the packet. </p><p>“So,” he crossed his ankles. “Let’s begin.” </p><p>The hours were countless during the interview. Scott paused every once and a while to scribble notes along the margins of the paperwork. Finally, he clicked the pen closed and smacked it onto the clipboard, his legs comfortably stretching out between them. </p><p>“Well, Levi,” his eyes flicked up to meet his. “We’re able to admit you tonight, if you’d like.” </p><p>Levi’s heart leapt into his throat. His fingers dug into his biceps, itching at the puckered purple scars along his pale flesh. </p><p>“Oh,” he tried to breathe. “I, uh. . .” </p><p>Mind foggy with rebellious cravings under his crawling skin, he shook his head. Scott’s lips became a thin white line. The room went out of focus. </p><p>“Levi, if you choose to leave tonight instead of being admitted, we will not be able to hold a bed for you.” </p><p>He cleared his throat and nodded, his legs falling from his chest to bounce again. </p><p>“However,” Scott gripped the edge of the clipboard nervously, “I will have to report that you are currently a danger to yourself. Police will be sent to your home -- and any other addresses you’ve provided -- to collect you and take you to a government-run clinic where the people are not as nice as we are.” </p><p>Reeling, Levi’s eyes shot up to Scott’s placid face. </p><p>“Did you just fucking threaten me,” Levi seethed, his features ragefully contorting. </p><p>“I’m telling you what the consequences of your choices are,” Scott steeled. </p><p>Levi’s face fell into his hands, the balls of his palms rubbing into his tired eyes. He was so exhausted, but there was no sleep to be found in his bones. All he wanted to do was to find solace in the pin prick of a fresh needle. </p><p>“If you choose to be taken to a government clinic instead,” Scott pressed on, “you lose a lot of your patient rights; you won’t be allowed to decide what medicines you want to take, and you won’t be a participant in the discussion about your length of treatment.” </p><p>If he had dope right now, then this fucker wouldn’t even phase him. Instead, he was choking on the thickness in his throat. The welling in his chest was all-consuming. Levi’s hand ran through his hair and tore out the rubber band from his bun. Cheek-length tendrils tickled his reddening nose. He sniffled. </p><p>“If I agree to be admitted here,” Levi crumpled, “could I talk to Erwin before you take me away?” </p><p>Scott leaned forward, patting Levi’s shoulder blade. </p><p>“Yes, of course.” </p><p>Levi dropped his hands. Resting his forearms on his stilled knees, he looked up at Scott and grimaced. </p><p>“You can admit me then, I guess.” </p><p>Scott scooped up the clipboard and shoved his pen into his breast pocket. His hand turned the doorknob before he looked back at Levi. </p><p>“You’re doing the right thing.” </p><p>Levi scoffed as the door closed behind him. </p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>“Could you split his balance between these two,” Erwin handed the blonde receptionist his credit cards. </p><p>She sighed, a frown creasing her young face. </p><p>“Of course,” she muttered as she swiveled about her desk. </p><p>The double doors opened, and Erwin’s head shot up to meet Scott’s smile. </p><p>“Levi has decided to be admitted,” Scott gestured towards the double doors with a white hospital band in his hand, “but he wants to talk to you first before he gets settled in for the night.</p><p>The receptionist cleared her throat. Erwin turned back to her and saw a little hand hovering over the edge of the counter, cards held between two thin fingers. </p><p>“They cleared,” she said as Erwin tucked them back into his wallet. </p><p>His stomach squirmed when he thought about how tight the upcoming months were about to be. </p><p>“Alright,” Erwin ran his hand through his hair. </p><p>It would be worth it. </p><p>Scott jerked his chin towards the doors behind him and then turned on his heel, expecting Erwin to follow him. </p><p>Levi paced about the interview room, arms wrapped around his sides. His fingers pinched at his ribs, desperately trying to ground himself with red welts. There was a knock on the door before Scott and Erwin came in. He dropped his arms, but his fists clenched and unclenched, nubbish nails pressing half-moons into his calloused palms. </p><p>Scott crossed the room, holding up the wristband between them. </p><p>“Lemme just secure this on you,” he said as he picked up Levi’s wrist, “and then you and Erwin can have a few minutes alone.” </p><p>He pressed the tape together and held it for a few seconds before patting the top of Levi’s hand. </p><p>“You’re all set now,” he rested a hand on his hip. “I’ll be back soon, alright?” </p><p>“Thank you,” Erwin said to his back as he left the room. </p><p>He strode to Levi’s still side at once, pulling him into his arms. Hesitantly, Levi burrowed his face into his chest, his breathing erratic as his fingers tangled into the wrinkles of his shirt. Erwin’s hand rested on Levi’s nape, his fingers curling around loose hair. He rested his cheek on the top of his head. Levi pulled him closer. </p><p>“You’re going to survive this,” Erwin pulled back, barely just an inch, to look at Levi. </p><p>His brows were upturned, glossy gray eyes so dark against their bloodshot whites. A tear spilled over the edge of his lashes, and, furiously, he blinked. Erwin’s hands found themselves on Levi’s ashen cheeks. His thumb rubbed the salt away. Levi’s lungs hitched as a hand laid over Erwin’s, the other clinging to his wrist with white knuckles. He hoped beyond hope that he’d drown and wake up again with these hands still touching his skin. </p><p>Erwin’s fingers traced over his temple to brush black tendrils from his creamy skin. Levi’s eyes watched Erwin’s parted lips, chipped teeth worrying his own. Then, Erwin lowered himself, pressing his lips against Levi’s forehead. His lavender lids fluttered closed. </p><p>“Oh,” the breath spilled over his chapped lips. </p><p>Another tear mapped the plane of his cheekbone.  </p><p>Knuckles quietly rapped against the door, and Erwin pulled away as Scott entered the room, an apologetic smile crinkling his eyes. Gruffly, Levi wiped his face with his forearm, his red nose sniffling again. </p><p>“Okay,” Scott buried his hands in his pockets. “It’s time to get going.” </p><p>Levi nodded, crossing his arms over his chest. They followed Scott into the hallway, and he turned to Erwin. </p><p>“It was a pleasure meeting you,” he said, sticking out a hand. </p><p>“Back at ya,” Erwin shook it. </p><p>“We’ll take good care of Levi,” he patted Levi’s back. </p><p>He rolled his shoulder, shaking Scott’s hand off of him. </p><p>“Thank you,” Erwin said, his eyes never leaving Levi’s. </p><p>“Alright,” Scott turned his back to Erwin, “let’s get you to the unit.” </p><p>They didn’t say goodbye; uttering those few simple words was fate’s greatest temptation. </p><p>Erwin walked backwards to the double doors that led to the lobby. Levi kept glancing over his shoulder at him -- going, going, until Erwin was gone as Scott led him through a set of double doors on the opposite end of the hallway. </p><p>Scott chattered politely while he led Levi down a maze of hallways, but he didn’t listen to him. Then, he stopped in front of a windowless door, flashing the card that hung from his lanyard (decorated with sushi rolls) against a metal sensor beside the door frame. He held it open for Levi, and he walked inside, his knuckles white on his fraying backpack strap. </p><p>Scott performed Levi’s physical, marking things down like his weight, height, blood pressure, heart rate, and the whole works on a yellow page in a massive white binder. He closed it. Levi saw his own name in big black letters on its cover when there was a knock on the door. It swished opened. </p><p>A lanky guy about Levi’s age came into the doctor’s room. His thin black dreads were tied back. He smiled brightly at Scott through his even thicker glasses, pulling his hand from his jeans pocket to fistbump him. Then he looked Levi up and down, who felt himself bristling under his gaze. His brows pulled together low, a nasty scowl darkening his features. </p><p>The guy chuckled.</p><p>“Right on time, Adrian,” Scott gripped his shoulder. </p><p>“Who’s this,” Adrian gestured at Levi with his clipboard. </p><p>“This is Levi,” Scott said as his arm fell to his side. His hand slipped back into his scrubs pocket. “Levi, this is Adrian, one of the TAs assigned to your unit. He’s going to perform your skin check.” </p><p>Levi’s stomach dropped.</p><p>“My what,” he crossed his arms over his chest, fingers pinching the tender flesh just beneath his armpits. </p><p>“All patients undergo a mandatory skin check before they’re put on the unit. It’s just to check for any infections and the like,” Scott shrugged, as if examining every inch of a stranger’s naked body was as normal as enjoying a hot cup o’ joe in the morning. </p><p>His hands shook as he nodded, his deep-set eyes downcast in flushed cheeks. </p><p>“Before I go,” Scott took a step towards Levi, hands outstretched, “I’ll need to take your backpack onto the unit. We’re going to do an inventory of what you’ve brought, and then you’ll get it back.” </p><p>“Oh,” he muttered, letting it slip off of his shoulder. </p><p>He handed it to Scott, and he sauntered to the door. </p><p>“I’ll see you guys on the unit,” he smiled over his shoulder as he left the room. </p><p>Adrian set his clipboard down on the counter beside the binder. </p><p>“The skin check’s real quick, but you’ve gotta be completely naked for it.” </p><p>“Do I have to take off my socks,” he cringed at the idea of letting his bare feet touch the floor of a fucking <em> rehab </em>. </p><p>Adrain’s face fell. </p><p>“Yeah,” he sighed apologetically. “Everything’s gotta come off.” </p><p>Levi grunted, stripping down as fast as he could while Adrian’s back was to him. The TA rifled through the binder, took out a pink sheet of paper, and secured it on his clipboard. Then he turned around, leaning against the counter as he looked over Levi’s paperwork while he wriggled out of his briefs. </p><p><em> Fuck </em>, why didn’t he take a shower after the fight?</p><p>Adrian looked up from the paper, and Levi frowned when he caught a glimpse of his reflection in the TA’s glasses. His pale skin was mottled with violet bruises from his matches last night. The older ones -- the ones <em> Dylan </em>left behind -- ebbed into sickly shades of green and yellow, and Levi was keenly aware of the angry welts along his sides from just a few moments ago. Adrian scratched notes onto his clipboard, circling Levi. He lifted one of his wrists with his pen, his face expressionless. </p><p>“Are any of these scars from surgeries?” </p><p>Levi looked down his arms at the purple puckered scars, a matching set to the ones on his hip bones and thighs. </p><p>“No,” Levi breathed. </p><p>“Are they from self harm?”</p><p>“Yes,” he hissed; wasn’t it fucking obvious enough? </p><p>All of the burning feelings that drove his hands to mutilate his very own flesh meant nothing to the man in front of him. This TA just boiled down that time Levi had to pay for his grandfather’s cremation with the money he got from his first job working as a cashier at McDonald’s, the first night he found himself trying to sleep while shivering beneath his jacket on a rusted park bench on the wrong side of town, that one morning he woke up to see the mask of a face he knew was his but didn’t recognize anymore, the last moments of his mother’s life -- her delicate hand clasped in his as he begged her cancerous lungs to just keep sucking in air -- into some shitty summary of observations he made about Levi’s bare fucking skin. </p><p>Adrian nodded and continued to scribble away as goosebumps licked up Levi’s spine. After an agonizing handful of minutes, the TA clicked his pen closed and turned back to the binder. </p><p>“You can put your clothes back on,” Adrian said to the counter. </p><p>“Thank fuck,” Levi muttered to himself, throwing his feet into his sweaty socks. </p><p>As Levi got dressed, Adrian collected things from the cabinets and then handed him a plastic bin. </p><p>“This is your sanitation kit,” he tucked his clipboard between his elbow and side. </p><p>Levi noticed it had deodorant, lotion, body wash, shampoo, conditioner, a toothbrush, toothpaste, and a few other things beneath that. A pair of long yellow socks were folded in the bin’s corner, and he breathed a sigh of relief; he could throw out the holey pair he was wearing. </p><p>“Thanks.”</p><p>Adrian led him out of the room and down a few more hallways. </p><p>They stopped in front of another set of double doors. Adrian waved his card over the sensor, like Scott had to do to get him and Levi into the doctor’s room. He heard the automatic lock click, and then Adrian led him into the room. </p><p>It was quiet and spacious, all of the walls blank. Plush chairs were set around two low tables, a mounted TV against the wall facing the sitting area.. Next to the sitting area was a long counter with a sink at its end, and it had a mini fridge tucked beside its brown cabinets. Across the room were open doors spaced equidistantly apart. Levi noticed the doors stretched down a hall that his view of was blocked by a circular desk stationed at the center of what appeared to be two large joined rooms. Nurses sat behind its high counter, chittering amongst themselves. That’s when Levi realized the unit was devoid of everyone else but the staff. </p><p>“So,” Adrian clapped him on his back -- why the fuck do the people here keep doing that to him?</p><p>“Everyone has an assigned room that they share with one other person. Your room number is 14,” he pointed down the hallway towards the sink with his pen. “The patients on the unit are getting dinner right now, but one of the nurses, Tammy, I think, snagged you a tray already. If you go to the nurses’ station right there, one of them will give it to you.” </p><p>The TA scrunched his nose, thinking. </p><p>“Oh yeah,” he leaned his weight on his other leg. “Everyone gets called up individually for night meds. They’ll give you something to help with the withdrawals tonight.” </p><p>Adrian turned to him, flashing a smile. </p><p>“I look forward to working with you, Levi.” </p><p>He nodded, his hands numbly holding onto his bin as the TA walked over to the nurses’ station. Adrian threw his forearms onto the counter and started chatting up a real young nurse, her mousy hair pulled up in a tight bun. </p><p>Levi swallowed as he looked around the empty room, and, suddenly, he was very alone.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Panic Attacks are Straight up Bullshit</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>There's a song called "Exhale" by Rarity mentioned in this chapter. This is the youtube link to it: https://youtu.be/BNT5koeJwpw</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <b> <em>Making It Through Rehab </em> </b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> We've all been beat down, </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> Felt defeated, </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> Needed </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> To cry </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> On another's shoulder, </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> The isolation was an ice storm that grew colder, </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> And though this gets harder daily, </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> We grow bolder, </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> Become generals, </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> And in order to be a general -- first you gotta be a soldier. </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> I commend all men who ascend to the end, </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> Whose worlds of pretend </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> Transcended through the bends, </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> Twists, </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> And unexpected turns, </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> They now walk head held high, </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> Flaunting respect they've learned and earned. </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> The ones who make our examples, </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> That we don't have to die. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> Life is something we simply have to choose, </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> And this is our symbolic muse, </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> They're like mental tattoos </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> We should choose to infuse, </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> And never get it confused, </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> It would be an honor to walk in those shoes. </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> The journey of a million tears, </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> Starts with that first lump in your throat. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> It's only a speed bump. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> You can get over it. </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b> <em>-- Author Unknown</em> </b>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>Levi was curled up in bed with his aching knees tucked against his stomach, the brown comforter pulled up to his ear. His cold fingers were tangled in the scratchy sheets. He clutched them closer to his pounding chest each time the pale light that seeped from the cracked door grew; every fifteen fucking minutes, a TA would come to check up on him and his snoring roommate, scribble on a dingey clipboard, and not so quietly close the door again. </p>
<p>With an irritated huff as the door opened for literally the 28th time that night, Levi rolled over, his bleary eyes squinting against the pouring light. The young nurse that Adrian the TA was hitting on yesterday walked into the dark room with an AVS system in tow, her gaze flickering between him and his snoring roommate. </p>
<p>“I’ll start with you,” she whispered to Levi, smiling as the cart’s wheels squeaked against the cold tiles. </p>
<p>He grimaced and rolled back over. His elbow kicked the blankets over his head, black tufts of his hair poking out as he shut his eyes. </p>
<p>“What’s your name,” she chuckled from close behind him. </p>
<p>He heard the ruffle of her scrubs as she pocketed her hands. </p>
<p>“Levi,” he sighed when he realized she was not about to leave him alone. </p>
<p>“Well, Levi, it’s nice to meet you. I’m Allison.” </p>
<p>A muscle between his shoulder blades spasmed, and he ground his teeth so loudly he wondered if she could hear it. </p>
<p>“Not to be a dick, Allison, but why the fuck are you here,” Levi growled. </p>
<p>The edge in his voice was softened by his incessant sniffling. </p>
<p>“Every morning, the nurses take patients’ vitals, so that’s why I’m bothering you.” </p>
<p>Levi groaned, shifting onto his back. A bone-deep ache settled into his hips as he pushed the covers down. He lifted his arm up for her and watched her quietly work. After a few moments, she had taken his blood pressure and heart rate. </p>
<p>“Everything is a bit elevated at the moment,” she worried her lip while scratching on a clipboard. “You’re here for detox, right?” </p>
<p>“Yes,” Levi rolled his eyes. </p>
<p>“What are you detoxing from?” </p>
<p>“Heroin, mostly,” he rubbed his face harshly. “I can’t remember if I’ve had anything else in the past week or two.” </p>
<p>Allison nodded, a soft crease between her brows. </p>
<p>“Do you know when your last dose was?” </p>
<p>“Fuck,” he grumbled to himself. </p>
<p>How long had it been since the fight ring? </p>
<p>“I think it’s been 24 hours since I had any dope -- give or take a few hours.” </p>
<p>He sniffled again, goosebumps tracing up his arms. </p>
<p>“Are we fucking done here yet,” Levi scowled. </p>
<p>Allison’s pen paused, and her owlish eyes peered down at him. </p>
<p>“Yup,” she tried to smile politely, but her nose crinkled up as her brows lowered. “Your vitals should go back to normal once you’re over your peak.” </p>
<p>She turned her slender back to him and placed a gentle hand on his roommate’s shoulder. </p>
<p>Levi chalked up another sleepless night to the grips of a bitter streak of insomnia as he threw the covers off of himself and swung his legs over the edge of his bed, his feet barely brushing the floor. He carefully tucked the sheets back into place before brushing wrinkles out of the ugly comforter. After starting his morning with what felt like the first real shower he had taken since he was born, he cringed at throwing on the clothes he had worn since he punched the bathroom mirror at Dylan’s studio, but he didn’t have a clean t-shirt or jeans or even briefs neatly folded in the backpack he brought with him. An extra swipe or two of travel-sized hospital deodorant would have to suffice until he could figure out how the rehab went about washing patients’ clothing. Plopping onto his bed again, he gratefully slipped his cold toes into the not-so-soft depths of his hospital socks and hiked them over his bony ankles.</p>
<p>He shuffled into the common area. Groaning, he noticed the overhead lights were still dimmed because the clock above the TV had just barely ticked past 5:17AM. Under the TV, a corkboard with a neon orange paper pinned alongside a bunch of other colorful flyers caught his eye. He sauntered over to it, burying his hands in his pockets. The center paper was their unit’s daily schedule. </p>
<p>Breakfast, smoke break, free time, group therapy, free time, lunch, smoke break, more fucking free time, music therapy --</p>
<p><em> Fuck, </em> if those damn bastards made him hold hands with the other patients and sing fucking <em> campfire songs </em> he was going to figure out a way to slit his own throat with one of the fucking dull-ass crayons in that dirty-ass bin precariously perched on top of a litter of crumpled half-colored printer papers all over the fucking tables on the outskirts of the common area. </p>
<p>--  free time, dinner, another fucking smoke break, <em> visiting hours </em>, how much fucking free time were they going to get here? </p>
<p>He turned his back on the schedule, chewing his chapped lip as he strode over to a plush chair. Its wobbly little legs skidded back a bit when he dropped into its unyielding cushions, his arms crossing over his chest as he leaned his head back to stare up at the ceiling. A pleased hum rumbled from him at the lack of cobwebs in the corners.</p>
<p>But Levi’s thoughts wandered back to the hour long allotment of visiting hours (hours, as in plural, but really only one fucking hour) and the four names he had written under his approved visitors’ list during his intake interview with Scott. </p>
<p>His legs bounced, spikes of pain shooting up his shins every time his heels hit the tile. </p>
<p>Would the Scouts -- would <em> Erwin </em> -- come to see him? </p>
<p>If he bit his own lip any harder thinking about how his stomach churned and knotted up over the memory of Erwin’s shitty smile that seemed to be just for him, he would get a fine taste of iron mixed with fucking toothpaste, so, huffing, he stopped. </p>
<p>Would Erwin even want to see him as the withdrawals stole his crumbling sanity? </p>
<p>Sinking deeper into the chair, his hands fell onto his thighs. </p>
<p>He chuckled darkly; what fucking sanity did he even have in the first place? </p>
<p>White-knuckled fists clenched his pants to still his knees, but his breathing wouldn’t slow down. </p>
<p>Actually, it was starting to feel like his chest was about to collapse in on itself, his fluttering heart only inside of him still because it hadn’t yet beat hard enough to break a rib. Shaking began in his fingertips before creeping through all 206 of his bones that he suddenly became hyper aware of. </p>
<p>If Levi was honest with himself, it really didn’t make much sense that Erwin would ever be interested in him -- in someone like Levi <em> Hutchinson </em> -- the way he had been with the man he once was, the man he could never be again. </p>
<p>His hand raked over his shirt, rumpling its flaking Sublime band logo as he tried to catch his breath. He lifted his head, his shoulders doubling over as his wide eyes desperately shot about the quiet room through his long bangs. One gasp tumbling from his trembling lips turned into two and then three before he realized he was quite literally hyperventilating, the weight of his chest crushing his lungs and heart and whatever the fuck else was inside of him. The butterflies for Erwin in his stomach died with icy fear, and the need to scream for help hit him like a fucking brick wall. </p>
<p>“Hey man,” Adrian knelt beside him, his hand on his wrist. </p>
<p>Levi jumped out of his skin; where the fuck did the TA come from?</p>
<p>“You good?” </p>
<p>He shook his head, a clammy hand swiping at the hair trying to plaster itself onto his sweaty face. </p>
<p>“I think I’m fucking <em> dying </em>,” he rasped between shallow breaths. </p>
<p>“Lemme go get a nurse to come talk with you,” Adrian’s brows creased as he stood up.</p>
<p>His purple high top Converses strode over to the nurses’ center. Adrian’s lanky arms dropped onto the counter, his quick voice hushed as he spoke to a rather plump and graying man in eggshell blue scrubs. The older man’s eyes darted to Levi and back to Adrian before he rose with a grunt from his swivel chair. Adrian took a step back, grinning while the nurse grumbled to himself as he trudged to where Levi sat. </p>
<p>The nurse made himself comfortable on the edge of the low table beside Levi, his hands folded in his lap. </p>
<p>“Hey,” his curt voice spoke kindly. “What’s wrong with you?” </p>
<p>Levi blinked, a stitch growing in his side like he had run a few miles. </p>
<p>“It’s Levi’s first day here,” Adrian’s voice warned. “Be nice, Tom.” </p>
<p>Tom rolled his eyes at the TA.</p>
<p>“Well,” he gripped Levi’s bouncing knee. “Now that I know your name, son, why don’t you tell me things I don’t know, like what’s wrong with you.” </p>
<p>Gray eyes flicked from the kindness that would someday etch laughter lines round the corners of Adrian’s smiling mouth before settling back on the gruffness of the old nurse. In a way, this exhausted man reminded him a bit of himself -- no, of <em> Captain Levi </em> -- whose blunt mannerisms were softened over the years by his fondness for the 104th brats that made up his squad at one point. The edge in the nurse’s voice hid the concern beneath his callous surface.</p>
<p>Levi choked back the thickness in his throat. </p>
<p>“It feels like I’ve run a marathon.” </p>
<p>Tom nodded once, encouraging him to keep talking. </p>
<p>“My chest feels like it’s being crushed or like I can’t really breathe. I can hear my heart pounding in my ears. I’m really fucking sweaty --” </p>
<p>Tom held up a hand. </p>
<p>“How many days are you into detox?” </p>
<p>Levi’s stomach began to sink down to the very depths of his toes; was this really only the beginning of withdrawals? </p>
<p>“Uh,” he brushed Tom’s hand off of his knee, “It’s been about 24 hours, more or less.” </p>
<p>Hips creaking, Tom groaned as he brought himself up to his feet. Then he turned on his heel. </p>
<p>“Come to the medication station,” he hollered over his shoulder to Levi as he hobbled back behind the Nurses’ station. </p>
<p>Levi glanced at Adrian. He cracked a smile and clapped him on the back before he strode off, scratching away on his clipboard. Levi stood. He made his way over to the medication station, which was a glorified chair in front of an alcove with a thick plastic window that separated the common area from the drugs locked away in a basic pharmacy at the back of the Nurses’ station. </p>
<p>“A common symptom of withdrawals,” Tom kept his eyes low as he pulled out a blister pack of white pills, “are panic attacks, which is what you’re experiencing right now. Sometimes people confuse them with heart attacks -- that’s how rough they can be to get through.”  </p>
<p>He popped two pills into a paper cup. </p>
<p>“Anxiety medications can help you cope with your physical reactions to panic by making your body calm down.” </p>
<p>Then, he filled another cup with a sip of water. </p>
<p>“But,” Tom brought the two cups over to the counter in front of the plastic barrier between himself and Levi, “you’ll have to figure out what the root cause of your anxiety is, or you’ll never really get better.” </p>
<p>He pushed the cups through a narrow opening at the base of the barrier. </p>
<p>“And it’s the same thing with addiction.” </p>
<p>With shaking hands, Levi took the cup with the pills and swallowed them quickly. He downed the water in one gulp while Tom drummed his fingers on the edge of the linoleum. White-knuckled fists crushed the cups. </p>
<p>“How long does it take for the drugs to work,” Levi grumbled, not wanting to listen to any more of his speech. </p>
<p>“15 to 45 minutes,” Tom’s dark eyes looked him once over. </p>
<p>Levi sucked in a ragged breath, a trembling hand running through his hair. The chair he sat in scraped across the tiles as he stood up fast. </p>
<p>“Go get a pudding cup from the snack fridge in the common area before you feel sick to your stomach,” Tom chewed his cheek, a chubby hand lazily gesturing about. </p>
<p>Nodding, Levi turned his back on him without a second glance before he strode across the room to where the scuffed mini fridge sat tucked beneath the sink and counters at the edge of the wall opposite the Nurses’ station. Weak fingers pulled the black fridge door open, and, as promised, it was stocked full of vanilla and chocolate Snack Pack pudding cups. </p>
<p>After searching for a moment or two, Levi plucked a handful of napkins and a plastic spoon from one of the drawers. Then he strode back into his room, where his roommate rumbled with quiet snores every once and awhile. Sore legs hopped onto his bed as he tore off his snack cup wrapper and enjoyed a spoonful of chocolate pudding. Contentedly humming in the darkness of his hospital room, he leaned his aching back against the cool wall, bruised shins crossed.</p>
<p>Another spoonful of his favorite guilty pleasure tasted of blurry childhood memories. Blinking away the creep of exhaustion, he remembered how his mother would slice up ripe bananas into her favorite cracked bowl (the one with faded poppies painted round its chipped lip that Grampa found at GoodWill for her), dump one or two chocolate pudding cups into it -- depending on how shitty the chemo had been that day, and use vanilla wafers to scoop all of that goodness up like sweet nachos. </p>
<p>Levi sucked on his spoon til his mouth hurt, his lavender lids drooping with their heaviness. If he tried hard enough, he could <em> almost </em>taste bananas on the plastic he chewed on. Sighing, he looked down at the half-eaten snack in his lap and realized he had become too sleepy to take another bite. He plopped the pudding onto the nightstand beside him before kicking the sheets down. </p>
<p>Tired hands hiked the comforter over his head as he burrowed his face into his pillow. As consciousness faded from his mind fast, his mother danced with him in the kitchen to Cheryl Crow, her black hair as wild as her smile. His mother used to let him curl up in her lap so she could scratch his back after a particularly long day at elementary school. His mother’s gray eyes used to fly across the cockled pages of her favorite copy of <em> Pride and Prejudice </em> (the one some guy from college got for her; she claimed she liked rereading her old annotations, but even Levi had doubts about that) at the dinner table while he sat beside her, doing his homework. It was in his dreams that he could <em> almost </em>remember the smell of her favorite magnolia perfume, and, as he drifted to sleep, the growing aches and pains of withdrawal weren’t so hard to ignore. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>***</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Hey,” a hand gently shook his shoulder, “wake up.” </p>
<p>Groaning, Levi’s eyes snapped open. He rolled his shoulder to shake the person’s grip off of him before he groggily pulled the covers down. His shirt clung to his sweaty skin in places, and the creases in his jeans were damp with it. The brunette nurse took a step back as Levi swung his legs over the edge of the messy bed. She folded her arms over her chest. Levi glared at her beneath his bedhead. </p>
<p>“You can sleep all day if you want. But,” she jerked her thumb towards the door, “you’re required to attend at least one group therapy session every day.” </p>
<p>Levi sagged a bit as his head dropped, reluctant to actually leave his room. </p>
<p>“Alright,” he yawned as he lazily tried to fix his hair.</p>
<p> The nurse’s narrowed eyes watched him for another moment. Giving up on struggling to tame his short tangles, Levi pulled back as much of his hair as he could into a bun on the crown of his head. Scoffing, her arms fell to her sides, and she strode out of the room. </p>
<p>Levi was slow to follow her through the door, and he blinked a few times to adjust himself to the bright room. The overhead lights warmed the common area. On either side of the room, a metal cart carried an assortment of musical instruments -- most of which had definitely seen better days. But the one that caught his eye was a battered acoustic guitar, recently cleaned up with new strings.</p>
<p>It dawned on him that it was already time for music therapy. How the fuck had he slept through two meals? </p>
<p>Levi’s aching fingers itched to get a hold of that guitar, but he forced himself to ignore the feeling. Instead, he sauntered over to the edge of a circle of patients. </p>
<p>People, as varied as music itself, were draped about the common area’s chairs. Some had socks the same as Levi’s kicked up on the low tables. Others sat on the floor, skinny legs tucked beneath themselves or with outstretched ankles crossed. A few stragglers stood at the back, and Levi was the shadow of that crowd. </p>
<p>A man, probably close to Levi’s age, stood at the center of the group. He was dressed casually with a pair of smudged sunglasses tucked into the collar of his polo shirt. The guy looked at Levi and smiled. </p>
<p>“Awesome,” he clapped his hands together. “Looks like everyone’s here now.” </p>
<p>Levi grimaced, his stomach sinking when he realized the entire fucking unit had been waiting for him.</p>
<p>The guy turned around to meet everyone’s eyes as his arms dropped to his sides. </p>
<p>“Alright, now, before we begin, you guys are welcome to pick up an instrument if you want,” he gestured to the carts. “You’ve got an hour to play during today’s music therapy, but, please play softly while someone in the group is talking.” </p>
<p>Levi swallowed, his eyes flicking from the cart to the crowd of people. The last time he had played in front of anyone while not stoned out of his fucking mind had to have been before high school. But it was also agony to think about how he would probably never get his guitar back from Dylan’s apartment after this stunt at rehab was over. </p>
<p>‘Fuck it,’ he thought to himself, his socks weaving him through the crowd of frozen people. </p>
<p>As his stiff fingers curled around the guitar’s neck, he realized he was the only person who had moved after the guy had finished talking. His cheeks flushed pink as the frayed guitar strap slipped over his shoulder. He took a few steps away from the cart, eyes only for the guitar against his chest. </p>
<p>“Anyone else want to play,” asked the dude at the circle’s center, stuffing his hands into his pants’ pockets.</p>
<p>Levi quietly strummed the taut strings, eager fingers fidgeting with the pegs to tune it. </p>
<p>“‘Kay. So, welcome to music therapy. My name is John, and I’ll be your therapist for the hour.” </p>
<p>John’s head bobbed a bit as he looked around the circle again. </p>
<p>“This is how things work in this group. Everyone will speak at least once, but don’t worry; you won’t have to talk about anything you don’t want to. All you have to do is say your name and what you’re here for. But, if you’re the daring type like myself, you should tell us why you decided to come to rehab.” </p>
<p>John smiled and walked back to the empty chair behind him, crossing one leg over the other. </p>
<p>Levi’s fingers danced along the neck of the guitar, quiet chords sounding through the common area. A smirk dimpled one of his cheeks; he was quite pleased with himself for tuning that shitty guitar. </p>
<p>“Who wants to start us off,” John looked around the circle. </p>
<p>Levi kept his eyes on his hands as he discovered what song they wanted to play: “Exhale” by Rarity.</p>
<p>A woman with dishwater-blonde hair cropped close to her scalp sat on the edge of her seat. Her knees bounced almost violently when she started to speak, her hands jerking about the scabs on her forearms and shoulders and sallow cheeks. </p>
<p>Levi couldn’t stop himself from humming while he played. The song’s lyrics flitting through his head drowned out everyone around him as they all took turns talking.</p>
<p> </p>
<p><em> ‘ </em> <em> I open up my eyes./ I take a look around./ I do not recognize any of these people around me.’ </em></p>
<p> </p>
<p>Someone stood up from his chair, his chapped lips opening and closing as he pinched along the track marks splattered across one wrist. </p>
<p>“My name is Alan, and I’m addicted to meth.” </p>
<p>His skittish eyes flew about the faces around him, his shoulders tensing with every shaky breath he sucked in. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> ‘Why the fuck do I feel so sober?/ Is anybody listening?/ Is anybody here with me?/ Why is it so easy to breath again?’ </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“The first time I used meth, it was an accident. I swore I’d only ever shoot up heroin, but the cotton swab I used had meth. Didn’t know it. When that needle plunged into my arm,” his fingers traced over the scarred crook of his elbow, “I knew I couldn’t have anything else ever again.”</p>
<p>Alan shook his head, his shadowed eyes fluttering shut as he remembered what that first hit had been like. </p>
<p>Levi rocked on the balls of his socks, his skin crawling for his own vice as his fingertips turned red from the guitar strings beneath their callouses. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> ‘To whom it may concern:/ I think I've done it again./ I've pushed the boundaries of how far my luck/ will take me./ Why can't I just be happy, happy with thinking clearly for once in my life?’ </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“And I found myself fucking up more than I ever had before,” Alan bitterly chuckled. “I stole nice things from my friends to sell for drug money. I lied to them about going to work, about where I was all day and all night long, about when I had eaten anything or actually slept.” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> ‘To whom it may concern:/ I think I've done it again, pushing the loved ones,/ The people I call my/ family,/ To fade away like me./ I rot away, searching for signs of a familiar face,/ Or really anything at all.’ </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I,” Alan’s voice caught in his throat, “I hit my girlfriend one time when she tried to stop me from stealing the cash in her purse. As the days bled together and I saw the bruises from my hands on her face turn purple, all I wanted to do was fucking die. I never wanted to be the man I had become.”</p>
<p>A sob escaped Alan’s quivering lips, his fists clenching and unclenching at his sides. </p>
<p>“I couldn’t stop myself from hurting the woman I loved,” he whispered.</p>
<p>Levi froze. Erwin’s smile, the one that looked like it could be just for him, flashed through his head. But he knew himself to be an addict, so how long would it take for Levi to kill that smile? In his mind, he saw those blue eyes dulled from red and purple and green bruises mottling his tender face. Levi thought about what it would feel like to split his own knuckles open on those cheeks he so desperately wanted to press his lips against. His stomach churned, bile burning the back of his throat with the admonition that he could never live with himself if he ever hurt Erwin like that. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> ‘Just yesterday/ I was in your arms and we were finally together and happy./ Now I've gone and thrown it all away.’ </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Missing a beat or two, Levi ignored the rise of shame in his chest and started to play again as Alan pressed on. </p>
<p>“Then I started using heavier,” Alan rolled his shoulders. “There was never a moment I wasn’t high anymore, because the withdrawals flooded me so fast. But, a few weeks ago, Stephanie told me she’s pregnant, and I checked myself into rehab immediately.” </p>
<p>A bittersweet smile cracked through the sadness etched across Alan’s weathered face.</p>
<p>“I want my baby to have her daddy in her life -- yeah, it’s gonna be a girl,” he sniffled, rubbing tear stains from his pock-marked cheeks. “I’d do anything for my girl and our daughter, even <em> die </em>if it meant they could have a real crack at a good life.” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> ‘Rotting dignity./ Rotting away like the corpse that I'm supposed to be./ I'm glad you know what it feels like living everyday like me./ Rotting dignity./ Rotting away like the corpse that I'm supposed to be.’ </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“But I’m scared,” Alan’s face crumpled into his hands. “I’m so scared I can’t do this.” </p>
<p>Levi felt himself mourn with that man down to the yellowed marrow in his bones. He remembered Erwin’s promise, that Levi would never see him or the others again if he couldn’t clean his act up. And he would really try. Fuck, he was trying to get better right now. Failure -- relapse -- was not an option after he left rehab, but he wouldn’t allow himself to fuck things up by lying and stealing from his friends like he always had done in the past. </p>
<p>Absentmindedly, Levi chewed his lip. </p>
<p>‘Sometimes, when you love someone, you have to let them go,’ he thought to himself.</p>
<p>Alan just breathed for a moment before he lifted his head up and stood tall again. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> ‘I don't want to be a ghost to you anymore./ I don't want to be the thought in the back of your mind./ And I really can't take the sight of your face,/ As you look at my name in a concrete line./‘ </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I’m here at rehab for my baby.” </p>
<p>Alan slumped down into his seat. A guy sitting beside him gripped his shoulder. Alan patted the top of his hand before the guy dropped it back onto his lap. </p>
<p>The room filled with a pregnant hush, like everyone was holding their breath on the edge of a cliff. The guitar whispered its sad song, dancing through the silence. It took Levi a second or two to realize the entire group had stayed quiet too long, and a few faces had turned to look at him. </p>
<p>“Oh,” he mumbled, his hands falling from the guitar. “My name is Levi. I came to detox. I’m here for myself.” </p>
<p>Pink splotches kissed up his neck, his nervous fingers flittering about the guitar strap across his chest. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> ‘I don't want/ to see the pearly gates,/ Because my heaven's when you're with me.’  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“And for Erwin.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Sorry about the wait on this chapter guys! From now on, I'll only be able to update once a month unfortunately, but I hope you guys still enjoy the story! There's a few things I want to tell you: </p>
<p>1) I updated the tags!</p>
<p>2) Alan's life is based off of a true story. I met a man who told me he was getting clean for his unborn child and how he hoped beyond hope that the baby would be a girl. Never saw him again after that, but the look on his face when he talked about that future kid of his really touched me. I wanted to add it into this. </p>
<p>3) Comments really help me to stay motivated to write this story, so please help a brother out lol or talk to me on tumblr: https://www.tumblr.com/blog/theheartofstories</p>
<p>Anyways, hope you guys liked this!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. . . . You Wear Plaid Flannels?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Peace on Earth Coffee bustled with the lunch rush. Baristas called out people’s orders from behind a counter that was cluttered with dented coffee bean tins. Tables and bars brimmed with chattering groups of people. Laptops were open in front of busy business folk. Backpacks sat in laps, and cream lined the bows of smiles. </p><p>With a green tea frappuccino (extra, <em> extra </em>whipped topping) and a black coffee (two shots of hazelnut syrup, please and thank you) in hand, Erwin waded through the crowd to the back of the cafe where an empty couch was nestled into a quiet corner. The couch all but swallowed him whole when he sat down, lumpy pillows spilling into his lap as he tried to sit back up. Then he leaned forward to set the drinks on the edge of the glass coffee table before scrambling to get his phone out of his pocket. </p><p>“Erwin,” the doctor practically sang as she made her way to the back of the cafe, her white sneakers squeaking against the cement floor. He looked up from his phone and smiled as he stuffed it back into his pocket, struggling to stand up. </p><p>“Hey Hanji.” </p><p>Laughing, she waved his efforts away and plopped down onto the other side of the couch. </p><p>“Oh.” She bubbled over as she pinched Erwin’s plaid flannel sleeve, “Are you channeling your inner lumberjack?” She burrowed into the cushions, clutching a pillow against her chest with one arm while she reached for her green tea with the other. Hanji pushed her glasses into her hair and slurped her tea. </p><p>“My students ask me the same thing,” Erwin rolled his eyes. </p><p>Lips smacking between her blissful sighs, she turned towards him and tucked her legs beneath herself. </p><p>“How’re you?”</p><p>Erwin sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose as his shoulders sunk a bit. </p><p>“As great as I can be after whatever yesterday night was.” </p><p>Hanji nodded slowly, sipping her drink. Erwin took a swig of his coffee and winced while he choked it down. Hanji smirked. </p><p>“Hot?” </p><p>Erwin chuckled, leaning back into the couch. He draped his arm over the armrest.</p><p>“How’s work today?” </p><p>It was Hanji’s turn to sigh as she plucked at the hem of her mint green scrubs. </p><p>“Exhausting. But it’s the same old same old.” </p><p>“Anything interesting happen?” </p><p>She rolled her eyes.</p><p>“Erwin, I’m an E.R. surgeon. I’ve got stories out the wazoo, but the last thing I wanna talk about right now are the blood and guts I’ve been elbow-deep in all night.” </p><p>Erwin’s thick brows flew into his hairline. </p><p>“Are you alright,” he sat up. </p><p>“Yeah, I am, but we need to talk about Levi.”</p><p>Erwin swallowed. </p><p>“Yeah.” </p><p>They sipped their tea and coffee for a moment, the stretching silence heavy. </p><p>“I don’t even know where to start,” Erwin’s voice trailed off as he looked out the wall length window beside the couch. </p><p>“Well, yesterday you texted us saying that you took Levi to rehab.” Hanji stirred her whipped cream deeper into her tea with her straw before looking up at Erwin. “How’d that go?” </p><p>“It took a long time to get him in. Not because he was stalling, but because we didn’t have an intake appointment. It,” he whistled low, “it nearly killed me to watch him withdrawing next to me.” </p><p>Chewing her lip, Hanji looked at her lap. </p><p>“But he was admitted, right?” </p><p>“Yeah,” Erwin nodded. </p><p>“Eren texted me today.” </p><p>Erwin looked at Hanji, taking a swig of his coffee.</p><p>“Yeah?” </p><p>“Dylan’s throwing a fit because he can’t find Levi.” </p><p>Brows furrowing, his stomach dropped to his toes.</p><p>“We need to keep it that way,” Hanji continued. “All we know is that he’s Levi’s dealer, and the guy pimps him out. We know that Dylan hurts Levi, but what we know is only the surface of whatever situation Levi’s been living in for who knows how long.” </p><p>Hanji paused. </p><p>“I’ve been thinking if, maybe, we should report the guy to the cops. I talked it over with Eren, and he thinks it’s a bad idea. But I think Eren’s just scared he’ll get into trouble as well since he gets the drugs he sells from Dylan.” </p><p>“You’re not wrong, and Eren’s the only other person -- besides Levi -- who’s got info about Dylan. I think we should avoid talking about Dylan to Levi unless he brings him up himself. For now, at least. Maybe wait until Levi’s stable.” </p><p>“Jesus, Erwin,” Hanji’s forehead fell into her hand, and she rubbed her face vigorously. “We talked about what the worst case scenario would be to meet another person from our past life, but, man, I think this beats whatever we came up with back then.” </p><p>Erwin laughed darkly. </p><p>“He’s always had a knack for getting himself into sticky situations, but he’s always come out on top -- in the end.” </p><p>Hanji’s grin faltered. </p><p>“But can he get himself out of this one?” </p><p>Erwin turned towards Hanji. </p><p>“What are you thinking?” </p><p>Hanji’s shoulders fell. </p><p>“Erwin, he’s a drug addict. The Levi we knew from back then isn’t the same guy we saw last night --” </p><p>“-- Yeah, and I’m not Commander Erwin Smith anymore either.” </p><p>Her eyes narrowed. </p><p>“Yes, we’re not the same people we once were. None of us are. But, Erwin, we’ve gotta set some realistic expectations for Levi, like the fact that the statistics for relapse are not in his favor.” </p><p>Erwin chewed his cheek and stared at his feet. He knew that; he’d spent all night researching drug addiction, withdrawal, recovery, relapse -- anything of value he could find on the Internet.</p><p>“We’ve gotta remember that it’s gonna take a long time for Levi to get better and for him to feel even kinda normal again. That could take years, Erwin. Years.” </p><p>She looked at him pointedly. </p><p>“I know.” </p><p>“So,” she took a deep breath and let it out fast. “I’m just saying this as your friend, as someone who cares a whole lot about you, as someone who doesn’t wanna see you get hurt. Erwin, look at me.” </p><p>He listened. His forearms dropped onto his knees. </p><p>“I know that, back in the day, you and I both used to daydream together about what it would be like for me to find Moblit and for you to find Levi again. But the thing is, Levi -- no, <em> this </em>Levi -- he’s not the man you used to know. He might never be the person he used to be for you, and you’ve gotta make peace with that, or it’s gonna hurt when reality smacks you in the face. You’ve gotta face the music, Erwin: it might be time to let those dreams -- marriage, adoption, growing old together -- die.” </p><p>Erwin hung his head and tried to breathe.</p><p>“I’m sorry if --” </p><p>“Hanji.” Erwin sat up, straightened his shoulders. “If our situations had been reversed,” he held her eyes, “would you give up on Moblit if these were his demons to face? I know, <em> I know, </em>Levi’d never give up on me.” </p><p>She looked down and brought her legs to her chest, arms slinking around her shins. Her chin rested on the tops of her knees.</p><p>“Leave it to you to kick me where it counts,” Hanji’s brows pulled together. “I don’t know what I’d do. It’s an unprecedented situation, but I’d hope you of all people would try to talk some sense into me before I walked over the deep end.” </p><p>They were quiet for a minute. </p><p>“Hanji, it means a lot to me that you’re being blunt about the whole situation. And I can promise you that if things are looking bad, then I’ll walk away. But Levi and I, we got the second chance that monsters like us don’t deserve. We all did terrible things before we kicked the bucket in our last life, never got to live the way we wanted to, and I’ll be damned before I let that man slip out of my fingers again when he’s so close.” </p><p>Shaking her head, Hanji bit back a smile. </p><p>“He’s lucky to have found you, ya know.” </p><p>Erwin placed a hand on her knee and squeezed gently. </p><p>“I’m lucky too.” </p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>***</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>Copper Springs front desk assured and reassured Erwin that the black duffel bag packed full of new clothes, weathered books, crumpled magazines, and notebooks would find itself at Levi’s bedside before lights out. As a fresh-faced nurse guided him through those infamous “Employee Only” double doors, he still couldn’t stop himself from casting one more sideways glance at the young receptionist, who rifled through a set of folded socks and unopened boxer briefs package. </p><p>Despite the knots tying and untying themselves in Erwin’s stomach, the nurse chattered about her unit’s schedule; the different types of therapy available for her patients; the corned beef and hash offered for dinner; the movies everyone watched during free time. All of the halls they turned down were the same white with desert landscape paintings hung up at perfectly placed intervals. At the end of the final hallway, Erwin heard the unmistakable muffled voices of trash T.V. blaring, and he wrung the folded plaid flannel in his hands harder.</p><p>“Well,” she smiled at Erwin, “here we are!” Using the ID card attached to her hip, she buzzed herself and Erwin onto the unit. </p><p>Mounted on the wall next to the doors Erwin came through, the T.V. flashed previews for another episode of Bridezillas, advertising a special marathon for the show’s anniversary. At the back of the common room, round tables lined the walkway. A few people, with their heads down, quietly colored on blank printer paper with broken crayons.. The sitting area was filled with people who kept a chair or two between each other, arms and legs crossed. And at the center of it all sat Levi, absentmindedly strumming a guitar in his lap with the remote on his knee. </p><p>When the door clicked closed behind Erwin, Levi looked away from the T.V. Raw fingers frozen over the guitar strings, his jaw went slack. Beaming, Erwin strode across the room and took the empty chair beside him. Levi threw the remote onto the coffee table across from them and carefully set the guitar in the space between their chairs. He leaned over the armrest towards Erwin, eyes narrowed. </p><p>“We’re in a rehab: wipe that shit eating grin off your face,” Levi smirked. </p><p>“You first,” Erwin simpered. </p><p>He threw his arm over Levi’s shoulders, bringing him against his chest. Levi tensed while Erwin rested his cheek against his crown and sighed. Squirming, Levi gently pushed Erwin back into his seat, but the blush kissing up Levi’s nape didn’t escape Erwin’s notice. In their seats, they turned towards each other, the pleather whining beneath them. Levi’s eyes flicked between Erwin’s face and his hospital socks. Erwin smiled. </p><p>“You play the guitar?” </p><p>Levi nodded slowly, bringing his gaze back to Erwin’s face. He chewed his cheek. </p><p>“How long have you played?” </p><p>“Not sure. Since I was little,” Levi shrugged. “But after my mom died, it was all I really did.” </p><p>“I’m sorry to hear about your mom.” Erwin’s brows turned up. “What happened to her?” </p><p>“Lung cancer.” Levi’s smile twisted. “Probably from chain smoking all fucking day.” </p><p>“Think you can beat her?” Erwin snorted.</p><p>Levi laughed and shook his head. </p><p>“Believe it or not, I think I kinda wanna stick around now.” He looked at Erwin beneath lowered lashes, almost shyly. </p><p>Erwin’s breath caught in his lungs, but he didn’t let the surprise show on his face. </p><p>“What changed?” </p><p><em> ‘ </em>You,’ Levi’s heart leapt into his throat. He cleared it.</p><p>“Fuck, Erwin. Do we really gotta get all fucking sappy right now?”  </p><p>Sighing, he took Levi’s hand into his, a thumb running over his bandaged knuckles. </p><p>“Fine then, but promise me you’ll tell me some day?” </p><p>The sudden intensity of Erwin’s gaze was too much. </p><p>“I promise.” Levi looked away. </p><p>“Alright. How are your hands?” </p><p>“Fucked up from fighting and from when I punched a bathroom mirror and a wall at my flat, but not broken.” Levi squeezed Erwin’s hand once. </p><p>Nervously, he tucked his legs beneath himself and raked his mind near desperately for something else to talk about because the last thing he ever wanted to think about in his life was that shithead, <em> Dylan </em>. His gaze flicked down to Erwin’s lap, brows furrowing. </p><p>“What the fuck,” he hissed. </p><p>“What, this?” Erwin chuckled, raising his plaid flannel between them. </p><p>“Holy shit, Erwin, you wear that still? How fucking old are you?” Levi instantly regretted speaking. He knew they had a seventeen year age gap between them, and he wasn’t sure how that impacted whatever the fuck was happening between them now. </p><p>Levi worried his lip, and Erwin rolled his eyes. </p><p>“What are you, the fashion police? Besides, I was old enough to have fun in the 90’s while you sat around and waited for your diapers to be changed, so you’ll just have to put up with my never-ending grunge phase.” </p><p>Groaning, Levi plopped his forehead onto their clasped hands, careful to not crush his aching knuckles. Fabric rustled, and then the flannel found itself over his shoulders. Its flipped up collar tickled his neck. Hesitantly, fingers scraped up his undercut, tucking loose hair behind his reddening ears. Levi breathed like he had forgotten the ache of withdrawal in his coiled muscles. </p><p>‘You’ll hurt him,’ a vicious voice whispered in the back of his head, ‘just like how Alan hit his pregnant girlfriend.’ </p><p>Rolling his shoulders to shake off the sudden sober nausea, Levi sat back up in his seat. </p><p>“Why’d you put this on me?” He plucked at a button. </p><p>Erwin looked at their hands and swallowed before he spoke. </p><p>“It’s for you. I want you to have something of mine to keep you warm since I, myself, can’t hold you every day like I want to. Not yet.” </p><p>“Erwin,” Levi whispered, eyes wide. </p><p>“I won’t take ‘no’ for an answer.” Absentmindedly, his thumb rubbed the top of Levi’s hand. </p><p>He laid his cheek on Erwin’s wrist and closed his eyes against the burn of salt. </p><p>Erwin’s hands wanted to taste all of the lines that drew Levi’s silhouette. His fingers traced the rise and fall of his cheeks, the bridge of his nose that had been broken years ago. They hesitated over the bow of his chapped lip, the soft parting between them. Levi pressed half kisses to those hands as they spoke with hushed voices in the dwindling space between them. A hand tucked his hair behind his ear and lingered there, painfully gentle while the other brushed over his adam’s apple. Even though time had stopped moving between them, the clock still stubbornly counted visiting hours’ fleeting minutes. And when he left, his smell lingered on Levi’s skin.  </p><p>He picked up the guitar and returned it to the Nurses’ station on his way to his hospital room. On the foot of his bed sat a black duffel bag. His brows furrowed when he read the white sticker attached to the handle: Levi Hutchinson. Knots grew in his stomach as he rifled through the new clothes and toiletries and just <em> things </em>in the bag because he knew Erwin had left it all for him. </p><p>Trembling hands gathered clean clothes and soaps, and he made his way into the bathroom. He stripped, avoiding his reflection in the mirror that wasn’t quite glass. Then the shower was on at its hottest setting. Steam clouded the little room. With the curtain closed, Levi curled up against the tiles on the floor in the corner. His wet hair plastered to his forehead and cheeks. A hand brushed it back. </p><p>What should he do? </p><p>Erwin, the Apollo to his Icarus, wanted him, made it obvious that he wanted him in the same ways that Levi was afraid to want him. And it was clear that everything that was good about Erwin <em> Smith </em> made up everything that is <em> Elliot </em>, and Levi’s heart keened with that knowledge. </p><p>Levi <em> Hutchinson </em> , on the other hand, was a collection of the very worst of Levi <em> Ackerman </em>. And, despite how desperately he wanted to change and be a good man, he just wasn’t sure if that hope was nothing more than a nice day dream to numb the pain of his reality. </p><p>His fingers traveled over the dips of his ribs and pinched. </p><p>Venomously, he thought about Alan again. He had been too weak to walk away from the people he loved, and then it was too late. But Levi, he was strong: he knew when to leave. And he had to do it or, fuck he just knew it in his bones, he would hurt them, hurt Erwin. And he couldn’t live with himself if he ever did that. </p><p>Clean underwear felt good against the new, angry welts from all of his pinching. Levi, with his new hoodie pulled over his head, sauntered to the Nurses’ station like a new man, a dead man.</p><p>Allison smiled when Levi rested his arms on the counter. </p><p>“Hey! You had a visitor today,” she chirped. </p><p>“Uh, yeah.” Levi scratched his calf with his toes. “About that. I, uh, got a question.” </p><p>“O.K. What’s up?” </p><p>“If I remove people from my approved visitors list, can they call in to talk to me?” </p><p>“Yes, they can --” </p><p>“-- Is there, like, something I can sign saying I don’t want that?” </p><p>Allison’s brows furrowed. </p><p>“Of course, but, Levi,” she leaned forward, “did something happen?” </p><p>“No. I just. . .” He shrugged. </p><p>“Do you wanna talk about it?” Allison pulled Levi’s big binder from beneath her desk. She pulled out a few colored papers and set them on the counter in front of him with a cheesy flower pen. </p><p>“Not particularly.” </p><p>Levi watched his hand cross out all of the Scouts’ names from his visitors list. He took his time scratching a note that Elliot -- and Elliot alone -- was removed from everything <em> but </em>his HIPPA release; Erwin could call to talk to the staff about Levi’s health without being allowed to actually speak to Levi himself. </p><p>Another piece of his fucking soul broke to cut everyone out, but, as he strode across the common area back to his room, he knew he was making the right decision. This way, he couldn’t fuck up their lives like he was so scared he would do. Maybe someday he’d be good enough to be around them again. He curled up in the hospital bed, tucked his legs against himself, and threw the covers over his head. </p><p>Or, at least, that was the mantra in his head that barely held his broken pieces together. </p><p>From beneath his pillow, he pulled out Erwin’s plaid flannel. Clutching it to his chest with his nose buried in its wrinkles, he breathed in the smell of <em> Erwin </em>and tried to pretend that the silent sobs shaking his shoulders didn’t hurt.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. 90 Days Sober</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Sunrise broke through the fog hanging over State Route One and painted the low clouds pink. As the sluggish morning traffic came to a stand still, Erwin looked out over the coast. Pockets of sunlight made the white-capped waves orange. Then he forced himself to pay attention to the road again as he rolled his window down and draped his arm over the door, fingers drumming against the car side while he put it in park. Sighing, Erwin settled into his seat. He knew it would take a long time for traffic to clear out.   </span>
</p><p>
  <span>His thoughts drifted back to yesterday’s visit with Levi at Copper Springs; the way his fingertips scraped through his black undercut; the feel of clean bandages over Levi’s knuckles as he traced the lines of Erwin’s silhouette. Everything inside of his chest twisted to see Levi like that, white and clammy with withdrawals, but he promised him -- promised </span>
  <em>
    <span>himself </span>
  </em>
  <span>-- that he’d be there for all of Levi’s triumphs and bumps along the road of his recovery. God so help him, Erwin would never let Levi go through that alone. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>An email notification lit up Erwin’s phone screen, which came as a not so gentle reminder that his afternoon was swamped with school meetings and assignment grading. As Erwin scrolled through email after unread email, he came across his Copper Springs treatment receipt. He paused when he noticed the facility’s phone number just beneath his thumb. Since he wouldn’t have the time to drive all the way up to the rehab that night, maybe he should call Levi. . . </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Swallowing his nerves, Erwin clicked the number and listened to his phone ring. He hoped he wasn’t calling before Levi was awake, but he resigned himself to probably calling again during his lunch break if that were the case. After another moment, someone from the front desk picked up, and Erwin rattled off Levi’s patient number. Then the line went silent. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What did you say your name was again, sir?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Erwin’s brows furrowed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Erw -- Elliot Andersen.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The receptionist hummed thoughtfully. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It looks like Mr. Hutchinson has updated his visitors list and HIPPA release. You and three other people have been removed from that as well as his phone contact list --” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“-- </span>
  <em>
    <span>What?</span>
  </em>
  <span>” Incredulous, Erwin slumped back in his seat.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“However, Mr. Andersen, you are still on his HIPPA release.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“W-what does that all mean, exactly?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Traffic began to move. Frustrated, Erwin pinched his phone between his shoulder and ear while he put the car back into drive, inching forward. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Since you’re still on Mr. Hutchinson’s HIPPA release, you’re able to know everything about how he’s doing -- how his therapy and treatment are progressing -- </span>
  <em>
    <span>but</span>
  </em>
  <span>,” Erwin could almost hear the reception waggling her finger at him through the phone, “he revoked your permission to speak to him over the phone and come to see him during visiting hours, sir.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But -- but I just saw Levi yesterday. Do you know when he changed all this?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The receptionist flipped through some papers. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It looks like he made the change just after visiting hours yesterday evening.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Erwin’s eyes widened as he slammed on his brakes, narrowly avoiding crashing into the car right in front of his. Someone honked behind him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright. Well, uh, thanks for all your help.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re more than welcome, Mr. Andersen. We look forward to hearing from you again real soon,” the reception smiled.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He ended the call and dropped his phone on the passenger seat, completely speechless. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Goddammit," he screamed, alone in his car, smashing his fist against the dashboard. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Conflict warred inside of him. On one hand, Levi didn’t owe him anything; Erwin would’ve helped him regardless of whether or not he ever planned on paying him back for everything he had done for him. And yet, he was hurt by how easily Levi had shut him and the other Scouts out of his life. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>No, as he bit back tears, he felt skinned alive. Against all odds, they’d found each other again -- were given the second chance that people like them didn’t deserve -- but Levi wanted nothing to do with him. Why? Erwin didn’t understand how he could be so cold when all he did was try to help.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>But Erwin was a patient man. He took deep breaths to calm the swell of anger and indignation in his chest and reminded himself that things wouldn’t always be like this. What was between himself and Levi in their first life was once undeniable. Erwin hoped that, in the future when Levi was in a better situation, they would have the time to explore the newness that came with. . . Reincarnation, as Hanji simply put it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Or, at least, that was the mantra in Erwin’s head that got him through the next 88 days. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>“What do you mean I can’t just leave?” Levi hissed through gritted teeth, arms crossed over his chest. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He stood in front of the Nurses’ station while Allison went over his discharge paperwork. She stopped scribbling away in his big binder, shoulders falling just a bit, though she didn’t look at him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Levi, please keep your voice down --”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“-- I’ve done my whole 90 days.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Like I already said, you </span>
  <em>
    <span>must </span>
  </em>
  <span>be picked up by someone to be released.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“The Uber driver I call is someone.” Exasperated, his arms fell to his sides. He jammed his hands into his pockets.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Allison dropped her pen and looked up at him, a scowl darkening her pleasant features. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You have to know the person picking you up, Levi. Those are the rules. I cannot discharge you until someone you know comes to get you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“This is fucking bullshit.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Allison didn’t respond. Instead, she rifled through pages in his binder before tearing out a colorful one. Then she handed it to Levi. Tired from all the paperwork he had to fill out that morning, he reluctantly took it from her. When he looked at the visitors list in his hands, his stomach dropped. Three month old ink scratched out the names of friends who didn’t know him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Call someone from that list. How about the nice blond guy who came when you were first admitted?” Allison smiled. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Levi glared at her over the top of the paper, anxiety pounding through his chest. The nurses told him that the nice blond guy had called Copper Springs every morning for 87 days just to hear how he was doing. It killed him to ignore Erwin, but, deep down, he knew that someday Erwin would be grateful for Levi letting him go, for Levi not ruining his life like he was so sure he would. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eventually, Levi shook his head. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, I can’t call him. I’ll call someone else.” His eyes landed on Emilia Muller’s name. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Fuck, </span>
  </em>
  <span>was he really about to drag another person -- Hanji, of all people -- into his bullshit? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Going back to her paperwork, Allison handed Levi the phone from her desk. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dial star 81 before the person’s number.”  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>With the lights flicked off, Hanji sat in Palomar Medical Center’s break room with her feet kicked up on the circular table. While she absentmindedly scrolled through Facebook, she held a yogurt cup overfilled with browning banana slices, shoveling a spoonful of breakfast into her mouth every once and awhile. Hanji hummed contentedly between bites. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>When a call from a number she didn’t recognize flashed across the top of her phone screen, she almost sent it straight to voicemail because it was interrupting her stupid video about cockatiels doing stupid things, and, and </span>
  <em>
    <span>dangit</span>
  </em>
  <span> she was finally on break. But she couldn’t ignore her gut telling her to answer it. Chewing on her spoon, she hit accept. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dr. Muller speaking. Who’s this?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Uh, Hanji?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Shocked, her legs swung off the table. She sat up, pushing her yogurt away. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Levi, is that you?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, uh, it’s me.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wow, Smalls, you’re just as awkward as I remember.” Hanji grinned. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Normally, I’d tell you to fuck off, but,” Levi groaned into the phone, “I’ve gotta ask you a favor.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, alright. What is it?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The line was quiet. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you still there,” she asked, looking at the clock mounted just above the door. Her break ended in a handful of minutes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah I’m still here, I just --” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Levi, spit it out already. I need to go back to work soon.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuck, alright. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to interrupt --” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Levi, shut up.” Hanji’s eyes rolled. “You’re rambling. I’ve never seen you ramble before.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dammit, fine, okay. I finished my 90 days at rehab, but they won’t release me unless someone I know comes to pick me up.” He paused. “I know I’ve been a shit head and all --” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“-- Yeah,” Hanji crossed her legs, “you definitely have been, but what’s new?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can it, Four Eyes.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The doctor smiled.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I could really use a lift today.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can come get you, but I don’t get off my shift til 1:45A.M. Have you tried calling Erwin?” Her smile faltered. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The line went silent again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hanji, I can’t do that to him.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright,” she sighed. “I’ll come get you as soon as I’m off, but we’ve gotta talk about that at some point.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, I’ll see ya tonight, Short Stack.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Over the past twelve weeks, Levi watched new faces come and old faces go; people who watched him suffer through and triumph over some of the hardest shit he’d ever gone through; people he’d never meet again whose faces would fade from his memory as days turned into years. He watched scarred hands wave their goodbyes, bruised faces smile thankfully at the nurses and T.A.s. And now, it was his turn. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>As daylight ticked by into the late night hours, Levi packed his duffel bag. Then he took everything out and packed it all over again. After checking his bag for the umpteenth time, Levi hopped into the shower even though he already did that before he called Hanji in the A.M. He was more than anxious to see her again. The last time they were around each other, he’d only caught a glimpse of her before he fell onto her glass coffee table, shattering it entirely. Then he’d run out with Erwin hot on his trail before the two of them disappeared into the night to hit up the local rehab. Fuck, it was all insanity. He was embarrassed by his behavior and guilty for everything else -- showing up in everyone’s life again only to shut them all out. How could he face Hanji or any of them? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>When Alan came to get him from his room, a fat smile plastered across his ruddy face, Levi slung his bag over his shoulder and padded through the doorway in a clean pair of socks, ready or not to face the doctor. Across the common area stood Hanji, chattering animatedly with a nurse -- Scott, actually -- despite the hour. Levi’s toes clenched, his stomach knotting and unknotting. God, he needed a cigarette. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Levi,” Hanji gasped, waving excitedly as he and Alan approached them. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey Four Eyes,” he nodded. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hanji closed the distance between them and grabbed his sleeve, yanking him against her chest. Levi froze when her arms wrapped around his shoulders. Her nose burrowed into his neck, and she squeezed the breath out of him.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuck,” he choked out. Hesitantly, he patted her back right before she let go. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You look good,” she beamed before turning back to Scott and the T.A. “May I kidnap him now?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Levi rolled his eyes, nervous hands slinking around his duffel bag strap and twisting. His heart tried to leap out of his chest, but he scratched the back of his calf all casual-like. With his hands in his pockets, Scott looked over Levi. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’s all good to go, Dr. Muller.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It didn’t take Levi long to say his goodbyes to Scott and Alan. As a different T.A. led Hanji and Levi through the unit’s double doors, Levi realized there was no one else to see him go. With Hanji on his heel, he fled Copper Springs like a thief in the night: a lucky son of a bitch. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hanji popped her car trunk. Levi threw his duffel bag inside and slammed it shut before shuffling into the passenger seat. After a breath of the longest moment of Levi’s life, Hanji drove out of Copper Springs, tires crunching down the rocky driveway and kicking up dust behind them. Hanji didn’t say anything for a long time, and Levi’s throat was too thick to talk through. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Honestly,” she broke the silence first, “I’m too tired to grill you about why you cut us all off for the past three months, but I need to know where I’m taking you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hanji’s knuckles were white on the steering wheel. Her shoulders were tense, bunched up right below her ears. She hadn’t changed out of her scrubs yet, but her white coat was haphazardly draped over the back of her seat. Guilt washed over Levi because he knew how exhausted she was. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You know where Fallbrook is?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hanji’s brows furrowed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You mean that tiny town east of San Diego?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Levi nodded. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sure I do. What’s there?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Orange County Homeless Shelter.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?” Hanji all but shrieked. “Like hell I’m taking you there.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ve got nowhere else to go, so, </span>
  <em>
    <span>yes, </span>
  </em>
  <span>you are.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re more of an idiot than I realized.” She glanced over at him. The car accelerated as she talked faster. “If you’ve got nowhere else to stay, then I guess you’re stuck with me. I’ve got a spare bedroom --” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“-- Hanji, no --” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Levi, </span>
  <em>
    <span>yes</span>
  </em>
  <span>, you’ll be staying with me ‘til --” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I said no,” Levi bellowed. His ears rang, and he instantly regretted opening his mouth. “Hanji, I’m sorry but --” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“-- But what, Levi? You ask for my help, and then you scream at me in my own car. Least you can do is tell me why you’re being so fucking weird.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>His face fell into his hands. Fingers ran through his hair. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Because I don’t want to fuck this up --” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“-- You’ll fuck up if you start out at a homeless shelter --” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“-- Dammit, Hanji, will you just shut the hell up for two minutes. Please?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She grumbled under her breath. Levi rolled his shoulders. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You and I both know all too well that I’m still a drug addict. I’ve got shitty habits, old ones that die hard. You think I wanna take the chance of coming into your house and stealing from you, bringing drugs into your house, fucking up every which way because addicts are always addicts? Hanji,” Levi’s hands fell into his lap, and he looked at her with bloodshot eyes, “the last thing I wanna do is hurt the people I care about.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hanji sighed, wistfully looking out of the windshield. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You make it sound like being an addict makes you some sort of gremlin. Well, you </span>
  <em>
    <span>are </span>
  </em>
  <span>a gremlin,” she smiled to herself, “but not because you’re into drugs. Either way, being a drug addict doesn’t mean you’re a bad person and sure as hell doesn’t mean you can’t change. Yeah, the battles you’re gonna face are going to be a world different than mine or our other friends’, but the Levi I used to know was good to his core despite all the shitty things he’d done in the past.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The car began to slow down. She paused long enough to look at Levi. His hair was longer than she’d ever seen it in their last life, the top nearly brushing his chin with the sides shaved down. He was thin with dark circles beneath his eyes. The silver scars littering his arms made her feel sick. But his face was fuller than the last time he was at her house. His knuckles were healed, and his lips weren’t perpetually chapped anymore. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was slow, and it was minor. But it was progress all the same. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know we’ve all changed, and I don’t know if that means our hearts aren’t the same anymore. But, dammit Levi, I’d like to think that you’re still my best friend even if this is only the first conversation we’ve had since our last life.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>As silence crept between them again, emotion stole Levi’s voice. He tried to clear it, clear his head of how much everything Hanji said meant to him since he was too used to feeling alone. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We are friends,” Levi mumbled thickly. He looked out the window and wiped the salt from his face with his shirt sleeve. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And friends stick together. Please, come stay with me.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sniffling, Levi jerked his chin. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay.” </span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hello everyone, <br/>Thank you for taking the time to read this fic, leave kudos, &amp; comments galore. It always means a lot to me to see people are enjoying this story because it is so near &amp; dear to my heart. I hope everyone has some great new goals for this New Year as well!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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